Thanks for sticking with me through my chapter-by-chapter study of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye."
There are still 2 more chapters in the book, but I've chosen not to blog about them, because they focus more on how to guide a relationship into matrimony.
I may be back later on for more "book reviews" of other books, but for now, I'm going to take a break and hopefully be updating my main blog: www.lyricalmasquerade.blogspot.com.
Blog posts included in my "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" series:
Welcome
Too Much, Too Soon (1)
Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2)
DEFECT! (3)
A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4)
Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5)
The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6)
Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7)
Put It Behind You (8)
A Clean Slate (9)
Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10)
Guard Your Heart (11)
Practice Makes Perfect (12)
Ready for the Sack but not the Sacrifice (13)
What Matters At 50? (14)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What Matters At 50? (14)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10), Guard Your Heart (11), Practice Makes Perfect (12), Ready for the Sack but not the Sacrifice (13) [See blog archive.]
You see a handsome guy or a beautiful girl from across the room. Immediately they attract your attention - and I mean ALL of your attention. But before you get caught up in their beauty, think of what they'll look like at age 50 (without any plastic surgery, etc.). I'm serious.
So obviously, it's not the looks that matter in the long run, because they'll obviously be changing. Character is what matters.
1 Samuel 16:7 says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30 reminds us, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
In this post I'm going to examine character qualities and attitudes we want to look for in a spouse, but we also need to continually be asking ourselves, "Am I cultivating these in my own life?" Josh Harris says, "We need to concentrate not only on finding the right person, but more important, on becoming the right person."
The two things we're going to examine are character and attitude.
So, first, character. Randy Alcorn writes, "Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching." Harris says a person's character can be defined by "the choices and decisions that person has made and makes each day."
William Davis writes, "Your reputation is learned in an hour, your character does not come to light for a year."
Harris gives us 3 "little acts" that can tell us more about a person:
1) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO GOD.
"A person's relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life," writes Harris. "When this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer."
Obviously, it is important for us as Christians not to even consider a non-Christian as a spouse. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Don't team up with those who are are unbelievers."
Harris goes on to say, "The question is not merely 'Are you and a potential spouse saved?' but rather 'Are both of you in love with Jesus Christ? Will you place Him before even each other?'"
David Powlison and John Yenchko write, "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy spouse."
Harris reminds us to not worry about impressing the opposite sex. "Strive to please and glorify God," he writes. "Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities."
2) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO OTHERS.
-Authorities.
Pay attention to how a potential spouse deals with authorities. Do they respect God-given authority? (Romans 13:1-7)
-Parents.
Some things to pay attention to:
> The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife.
> If he can't be loving and gentle with is mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?
> If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?
*And a reminder - cultivate attitudes of respect in your own life.
-The opposite sex.
Learn to distinguish between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. No one wants to marry a flirt!
-Companions.
Harris describes companions as "the people who influence and shape him or her." He goes on to say, "The way something treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends are."
3) PERSONAL DISCIPLINE.
"The things we do involuntarily reveal our character," says Harris.
*We need to note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits. Everyone has habits that others find annoying, but here we are looking at the sinful habits.*
-How does this person use his or her time? Are they lazy or are they productive in free time? Do they spend countless hours in front of the computer or are they continually looking for ways to serve?
-How does he or she handle money? Are they resonsible with their money or do they foolishly splurge? Will they be able to support you financially?
-Does he or she take care of their his or her body? This doesn't mean judge them about things they can't control such as height, hair color, facial features, and in some cases, weight.
First, how do they dress? Is it modestly? Are they preoccupied with being up-to-date with the latest styles?
Do they have disciplined, healthy eating and exercise habits? Are they maintinaing the health and condition of their body so that they can more effectively serve God?
The next thing is attitude. Harris gives us 4 attitudes we should look for:
1) AN ATTITUDE OF WILLING OBEDIENCE TO GOD.
Is their attitude like David's when he said, "I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands"(Psalm 119:60)?
Make sure they are consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God. Does he or she work to overcome bad habits? Etc...
*And again, it's important we develop these godly habits in our own lives, as well.*
2) AN ATTITUDE OF HUMILITY.
"An attitude of humility," says Harris, "considers others needs first."
Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Watch the small things. Watch how he reacts to teammates on the basketball court. Watch how she reacts when she loses a game. Etc...
An atttitude of humility is quick to confess sin, put others first, and seek forgiveness.
3) AN ATTITUDE OF INDUSTRIOUSNESS.
Harris describes an attitude of industriousness as "willingness to work hard at whatever task presents itself."
William Bennett writes, "Work... is not what we do for a living but what we do with our living... The opposite of work not leisure or play or having fun, but idleness - not investing ourselves in anything."
4) AN ATTITUDE OF CONTENTMENT AND HOPEFULNESS.
Harris says, "An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God - an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of the problems needing correction."
Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips?
Does he or she constantly nitpick at the faults of others instead of consistently encouraging?
Do they view their circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness or a confidence in God's faithfulness?
A reminder: Marriage requires faith in God's provision and a willingness to forgive imperfections.
You see a handsome guy or a beautiful girl from across the room. Immediately they attract your attention - and I mean ALL of your attention. But before you get caught up in their beauty, think of what they'll look like at age 50 (without any plastic surgery, etc.). I'm serious.
So obviously, it's not the looks that matter in the long run, because they'll obviously be changing. Character is what matters.
1 Samuel 16:7 says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30 reminds us, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
In this post I'm going to examine character qualities and attitudes we want to look for in a spouse, but we also need to continually be asking ourselves, "Am I cultivating these in my own life?" Josh Harris says, "We need to concentrate not only on finding the right person, but more important, on becoming the right person."
The two things we're going to examine are character and attitude.
So, first, character. Randy Alcorn writes, "Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching." Harris says a person's character can be defined by "the choices and decisions that person has made and makes each day."
William Davis writes, "Your reputation is learned in an hour, your character does not come to light for a year."
Harris gives us 3 "little acts" that can tell us more about a person:
1) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO GOD.
"A person's relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life," writes Harris. "When this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer."
Obviously, it is important for us as Christians not to even consider a non-Christian as a spouse. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Don't team up with those who are are unbelievers."
Harris goes on to say, "The question is not merely 'Are you and a potential spouse saved?' but rather 'Are both of you in love with Jesus Christ? Will you place Him before even each other?'"
David Powlison and John Yenchko write, "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy spouse."
Harris reminds us to not worry about impressing the opposite sex. "Strive to please and glorify God," he writes. "Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities."
2) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO OTHERS.
-Authorities.
Pay attention to how a potential spouse deals with authorities. Do they respect God-given authority? (Romans 13:1-7)
-Parents.
Some things to pay attention to:
> The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife.
> If he can't be loving and gentle with is mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?
> If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?
*And a reminder - cultivate attitudes of respect in your own life.
-The opposite sex.
Learn to distinguish between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. No one wants to marry a flirt!
-Companions.
Harris describes companions as "the people who influence and shape him or her." He goes on to say, "The way something treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends are."
3) PERSONAL DISCIPLINE.
"The things we do involuntarily reveal our character," says Harris.
*We need to note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits. Everyone has habits that others find annoying, but here we are looking at the sinful habits.*
-How does this person use his or her time? Are they lazy or are they productive in free time? Do they spend countless hours in front of the computer or are they continually looking for ways to serve?
-How does he or she handle money? Are they resonsible with their money or do they foolishly splurge? Will they be able to support you financially?
-Does he or she take care of their his or her body? This doesn't mean judge them about things they can't control such as height, hair color, facial features, and in some cases, weight.
First, how do they dress? Is it modestly? Are they preoccupied with being up-to-date with the latest styles?
Do they have disciplined, healthy eating and exercise habits? Are they maintinaing the health and condition of their body so that they can more effectively serve God?
The next thing is attitude. Harris gives us 4 attitudes we should look for:
1) AN ATTITUDE OF WILLING OBEDIENCE TO GOD.
Is their attitude like David's when he said, "I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands"(Psalm 119:60)?
Make sure they are consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God. Does he or she work to overcome bad habits? Etc...
*And again, it's important we develop these godly habits in our own lives, as well.*
2) AN ATTITUDE OF HUMILITY.
"An attitude of humility," says Harris, "considers others needs first."
Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Watch the small things. Watch how he reacts to teammates on the basketball court. Watch how she reacts when she loses a game. Etc...
An atttitude of humility is quick to confess sin, put others first, and seek forgiveness.
3) AN ATTITUDE OF INDUSTRIOUSNESS.
Harris describes an attitude of industriousness as "willingness to work hard at whatever task presents itself."
William Bennett writes, "Work... is not what we do for a living but what we do with our living... The opposite of work not leisure or play or having fun, but idleness - not investing ourselves in anything."
4) AN ATTITUDE OF CONTENTMENT AND HOPEFULNESS.
Harris says, "An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God - an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of the problems needing correction."
Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips?
Does he or she constantly nitpick at the faults of others instead of consistently encouraging?
Do they view their circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness or a confidence in God's faithfulness?
A reminder: Marriage requires faith in God's provision and a willingness to forgive imperfections.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Ready for the Sack but not for the Sacrifice (13)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10), Guard Your Heart (11), Practice Makes Perfect (12) [See blog archive.]
Do you have an illusion of marriage?
Even as a teenager, I like to look at bridal magazines with my friends. We sometimes choose the dress we like best and pick out the prettiest engagement ring. We sit there dreaming about our big day.
Yes, it's fun. But marriage is not a perfect wedding. Marriage is a lifetime of commitment. A wedding is a time that marks the beginning of a journey of two people becoming one.
Do you think marriage will just be sex? Yes, that is a blessing God has placed in marriage, but it's more than that. Like I said, marriage is a lifetime of commitment, dedication, and devotion.
So, I dare to present to you the real and true unillusioned version of marriage. (Not that I have personal experience, but God's Word is clear on the topic.)
"Marriage is much more than a wedding ceremony," write Gary and Betsy Ricucci. "A wedding is an event, but a marriage is a state of being; it's a lifelong commitment to be developed and maintained."
Joshua Harris describes what our view of marriage should with four words: reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and soberly.
REVERENCE - A profound respect mingled with awe.
DISCRETION - Discernment or good judgment.
ADVISEDLY - To carefully consider.
SOBERLY - To be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice.
In Gary and Betsy Ricucci's book, "Love that Lasts" they answer the question "What is marriage?" Here, I'll briefly describe the answer.
MARRIAGE IS THE FIRST INSTITUTION.
Genesis 2:22-24
"And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
'This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.'
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
MARRIAGE DEPICTS THE SUPERNATURAL UNION BETWEEN JESUS AND THE CHURCH.
Ephesians 5:31-32
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."
MARRIAGE IS THE EVENT GOD HAS SELECTED TO CONSUMMATE ALL OF TIME.
Revelation 19:7
"Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;"
MARRIAGE IS TO BE HELD IN HONOR.
Hebrews 13:4
"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
MARRIAGE IS A REFINING PROCESS.
Harris says, "God wants to use the fire of marriage not only to comfort us, but also to refine and clease us from our selfishness and sin." He describes your spouse as a mirror. Once you get married, you will, through your spouse, see what's truly in your heart.
Harris leaves us with a poem called "A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop.
I encourage you to read it and think about it.
This section reminded me of a quote from the movie "27 Dresses."
Kevin says to Jane, "You want a wedding, not a marriage."
Do YOU simply want a wedding? Are you ready for the sack, but not the sacrifice?
Do you have an illusion of marriage?
Even as a teenager, I like to look at bridal magazines with my friends. We sometimes choose the dress we like best and pick out the prettiest engagement ring. We sit there dreaming about our big day.
Yes, it's fun. But marriage is not a perfect wedding. Marriage is a lifetime of commitment. A wedding is a time that marks the beginning of a journey of two people becoming one.
Do you think marriage will just be sex? Yes, that is a blessing God has placed in marriage, but it's more than that. Like I said, marriage is a lifetime of commitment, dedication, and devotion.
So, I dare to present to you the real and true unillusioned version of marriage. (Not that I have personal experience, but God's Word is clear on the topic.)
"Marriage is much more than a wedding ceremony," write Gary and Betsy Ricucci. "A wedding is an event, but a marriage is a state of being; it's a lifelong commitment to be developed and maintained."
Joshua Harris describes what our view of marriage should with four words: reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and soberly.
REVERENCE - A profound respect mingled with awe.
DISCRETION - Discernment or good judgment.
ADVISEDLY - To carefully consider.
SOBERLY - To be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice.
In Gary and Betsy Ricucci's book, "Love that Lasts" they answer the question "What is marriage?" Here, I'll briefly describe the answer.
MARRIAGE IS THE FIRST INSTITUTION.
Genesis 2:22-24
"And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
'This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.'
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
MARRIAGE DEPICTS THE SUPERNATURAL UNION BETWEEN JESUS AND THE CHURCH.
Ephesians 5:31-32
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."
MARRIAGE IS THE EVENT GOD HAS SELECTED TO CONSUMMATE ALL OF TIME.
Revelation 19:7
"Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;"
MARRIAGE IS TO BE HELD IN HONOR.
Hebrews 13:4
"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
MARRIAGE IS A REFINING PROCESS.
Harris says, "God wants to use the fire of marriage not only to comfort us, but also to refine and clease us from our selfishness and sin." He describes your spouse as a mirror. Once you get married, you will, through your spouse, see what's truly in your heart.
Harris leaves us with a poem called "A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop.
I encourage you to read it and think about it.
This section reminded me of a quote from the movie "27 Dresses."
Kevin says to Jane, "You want a wedding, not a marriage."
Do YOU simply want a wedding? Are you ready for the sack, but not the sacrifice?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Practice Makes Perfect (12)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10), Guard Your Heart (11)[See blog archive.]
As quoted by Joshua Harris: "If we aren't faithful and growing in the relationships we have now, we won't be prepared to pursue faithfulness and growth in marriage later."
... which means, practice now!... "We have to practice now what we want to be in the future."
Josh gives us 5 "topics" he suggests we should start practicing now to prepare for marriage.
PRACTICE INTIMACY
This kind of intimacy can start with committed relationships: our families. One way to do this is to make good communications skills with your parents and develop intimacy with your siblings. Think practically. Open up. Let your family in.
PRACTICE SEEKING GOD WITH OTHERS
Develop relaltionships with others in which you make God the center, including talking and opening up with each other, sharing what you've learned from the Word. When you're married, you'll want to be in the habit of seeking God with others so you can share that intimate experience and devotion with your spouse.
PRACTICE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Aka, be a good steward. Learn to budget your money. Save money. Tithe. Etc. Ask your parents or other godly men and woman to help you develop a plan to learn financial stewardship. Remember, when you're married you'll not only have to support yourself, but also a spouse, and someday a family.
PRACTICE PARENTHOOD
Start by volunteering to babysit for folks in your church. Spend time helping out a mother with lots of children. Learn from the parents and practice what you see so you develop habits to be a good parent. If you have a younger sibling, that's also a great way to learn.
PRACTICE PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS
This includes maintenance of the house, grocery shopping, planning meals, etc. Ask your parents to let you take over a job or two for a while. Volunteer to help out your parents with all the chores that need to be done. Sit down with a parent or mature, godly adult and talk about all the things that are necessary to keep a house running, and get started today!
Carpe Diem, my friends! Redeem the time!
As quoted by Joshua Harris: "If we aren't faithful and growing in the relationships we have now, we won't be prepared to pursue faithfulness and growth in marriage later."
... which means, practice now!... "We have to practice now what we want to be in the future."
Josh gives us 5 "topics" he suggests we should start practicing now to prepare for marriage.
PRACTICE INTIMACY
This kind of intimacy can start with committed relationships: our families. One way to do this is to make good communications skills with your parents and develop intimacy with your siblings. Think practically. Open up. Let your family in.
PRACTICE SEEKING GOD WITH OTHERS
Develop relaltionships with others in which you make God the center, including talking and opening up with each other, sharing what you've learned from the Word. When you're married, you'll want to be in the habit of seeking God with others so you can share that intimate experience and devotion with your spouse.
PRACTICE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Aka, be a good steward. Learn to budget your money. Save money. Tithe. Etc. Ask your parents or other godly men and woman to help you develop a plan to learn financial stewardship. Remember, when you're married you'll not only have to support yourself, but also a spouse, and someday a family.
PRACTICE PARENTHOOD
Start by volunteering to babysit for folks in your church. Spend time helping out a mother with lots of children. Learn from the parents and practice what you see so you develop habits to be a good parent. If you have a younger sibling, that's also a great way to learn.
PRACTICE PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS
This includes maintenance of the house, grocery shopping, planning meals, etc. Ask your parents to let you take over a job or two for a while. Volunteer to help out your parents with all the chores that need to be done. Sit down with a parent or mature, godly adult and talk about all the things that are necessary to keep a house running, and get started today!
Carpe Diem, my friends! Redeem the time!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Guard Your Heart (11)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10) [See blog archive.]
"The human heart doesn't like taking orders from the mind...The sooner we get acquainted with the contents of our hearts, the better...If we'd really examine our hearts, we'd find lies, selfishness, lust, envy, and pride," begins Joshua Harris.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things... Who can understand it?"
Guarding our hearts means protecting ourselves from our heart's sinfulness. Our heart is so deceitful that something can "feel" right and be completely wrong. Do whatever it takes to guard your heart and keep it in submission to God.
Proberbs 4:23 describes our heart as the "wellspring of life." Joshua Harris reminds us, "If we fail to keep our hearts clean, the rest of our life will stagnate and become dirty.
So, what do we specifically need to guard our hearts from? What are the pollutants?
1 John 2:15-16 warns us, "Do not love the world or anything in the world...For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world."
"These 'pollutants' specifically manifest themselves in relationships as infatuation, lust, and self-pity," says Harris. We'll examine all three more closely:
INFATUATION
The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes infatuation as, "To cause to be foolish; deprive of sound judgment; to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration."
Josh warns us, "Any time we allow someone to displace God as the focus of our affection, we've moved from innocent appreciation of someone's beauty or personality to the dangerous realm of infatuation."
Often we become infatuated because we think that a human relationship will fully satisfy our every desire...WRONG! "When we place God in His rightful place in our lives, we don't struggle so much when human relationships let us down," Harris comments.
A way to avoid infatuation is not to feed attraction. "Attraction only grows into infatuation when we pamper it," states Josh. This applies itself practically by not letting your mind wander or fantasize about this person before it's appropriate. Don't encourage friends' attractions by giggling about them all night long, and vice versa, for yourself. Do whatever it takes to stop infatuation, to not feed the attraction.
LUST
Josh begins by telling us, "To fight lust in our lives, we have to detest it with the same intensity God does."
Something that really stuck out to me was a simple reminder of how much I hate homosexual lust. It is so disgusting, do you not agree? Well guess what? God hates a man's lust for a woman, or vice versa (heterosexual) just as much as He (and we) hate homosexual lust! Something the think about, eh?
We need to ask ourselves if we are as repulsed by lust in our lives as we are by lust in others.
Beilby Proteus writes, "What we are afraid to do before men, we should be afraid to think before God."
To make it practical, we need to avoid things that encourage wrong desire. It's different for each person. It might mean throwing away romance novels, not watching soap operas, or playing seductive video games. Whatever it is in your life, find it, and toss it out!
Josh reminds us, "When we evaluate our lives honestly enough to recognize our own lust and see the sorrow it causes God, we'll want to destroy lust... before it destroys us."
SELF-PITY
Harris describes self-pity as a worship of our circumstances... indulging in feeling sorry for ourselves.
If you consider giving up dating up a sacrifice, don't sigh over what you've chosen to "give up." That selfish, self-focused sacrifice doesn't impress God. Ultimately, not dating isn't a sacrifice. It's obedience if you understand it the way I do. Obeying Him with joy does please Him!
Josh warns us, "Stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people." I once heard it said that as Christians we should never have a "bad day" because everyday we have our never-failing God who provides our salvation!
Also, get your focus of your "needs," and help meet someone else's.
Next, see your feelings of lonliness as God drawing you closer to Him. Really, we're never alone and we should be satisfied in God.
1 John 3:20 gives us hope, "For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." Awesome!
"The human heart doesn't like taking orders from the mind...The sooner we get acquainted with the contents of our hearts, the better...If we'd really examine our hearts, we'd find lies, selfishness, lust, envy, and pride," begins Joshua Harris.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things... Who can understand it?"
Guarding our hearts means protecting ourselves from our heart's sinfulness. Our heart is so deceitful that something can "feel" right and be completely wrong. Do whatever it takes to guard your heart and keep it in submission to God.
Proberbs 4:23 describes our heart as the "wellspring of life." Joshua Harris reminds us, "If we fail to keep our hearts clean, the rest of our life will stagnate and become dirty.
So, what do we specifically need to guard our hearts from? What are the pollutants?
1 John 2:15-16 warns us, "Do not love the world or anything in the world...For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world."
"These 'pollutants' specifically manifest themselves in relationships as infatuation, lust, and self-pity," says Harris. We'll examine all three more closely:
INFATUATION
The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes infatuation as, "To cause to be foolish; deprive of sound judgment; to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration."
Josh warns us, "Any time we allow someone to displace God as the focus of our affection, we've moved from innocent appreciation of someone's beauty or personality to the dangerous realm of infatuation."
Often we become infatuated because we think that a human relationship will fully satisfy our every desire...WRONG! "When we place God in His rightful place in our lives, we don't struggle so much when human relationships let us down," Harris comments.
A way to avoid infatuation is not to feed attraction. "Attraction only grows into infatuation when we pamper it," states Josh. This applies itself practically by not letting your mind wander or fantasize about this person before it's appropriate. Don't encourage friends' attractions by giggling about them all night long, and vice versa, for yourself. Do whatever it takes to stop infatuation, to not feed the attraction.
LUST
Josh begins by telling us, "To fight lust in our lives, we have to detest it with the same intensity God does."
Something that really stuck out to me was a simple reminder of how much I hate homosexual lust. It is so disgusting, do you not agree? Well guess what? God hates a man's lust for a woman, or vice versa (heterosexual) just as much as He (and we) hate homosexual lust! Something the think about, eh?
We need to ask ourselves if we are as repulsed by lust in our lives as we are by lust in others.
Beilby Proteus writes, "What we are afraid to do before men, we should be afraid to think before God."
To make it practical, we need to avoid things that encourage wrong desire. It's different for each person. It might mean throwing away romance novels, not watching soap operas, or playing seductive video games. Whatever it is in your life, find it, and toss it out!
Josh reminds us, "When we evaluate our lives honestly enough to recognize our own lust and see the sorrow it causes God, we'll want to destroy lust... before it destroys us."
SELF-PITY
Harris describes self-pity as a worship of our circumstances... indulging in feeling sorry for ourselves.
If you consider giving up dating up a sacrifice, don't sigh over what you've chosen to "give up." That selfish, self-focused sacrifice doesn't impress God. Ultimately, not dating isn't a sacrifice. It's obedience if you understand it the way I do. Obeying Him with joy does please Him!
Josh warns us, "Stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people." I once heard it said that as Christians we should never have a "bad day" because everyday we have our never-failing God who provides our salvation!
Also, get your focus of your "needs," and help meet someone else's.
Next, see your feelings of lonliness as God drawing you closer to Him. Really, we're never alone and we should be satisfied in God.
1 John 3:20 gives us hope, "For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." Awesome!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9) [See blog archive.]
You meet someone of the opposite sex. He or she really catches your eye.
Uh-oh.
Then you get to know this person, and you find out he or she has a great personality as well.
Double uh-oh.
To top it all off, this person sends you that "I'd like to get to know you better" vibe.
Major uh-oh.
If you've put romance on hold until you're ready for marraige, what do you do in a situation like this? The simple answer is to be just friends. Easy, right? Not quite.
"Being 'just friends' is just plain confusing," says Joshua Harris. Ha. No kidding.
In the beginning of this chapter, Harris presents a couple personal experiences that help with understanding how "just friends" can turn into "just a crazy, confusing rollercoaster." I'm sure you've been there, so I'm just going to skip to the meat of this chapter. As always, I encourage you to read the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, for yourself.
As brothers and sisters in Christ, we were born into this relationship. Elisabeth Elliot says, "The relationship between Christian brothers and sisters is not something we create. It's already established. We are members of one another. We are related." Christian friendship has God's glory as it's goal! These friendships are characterized by biblical fellowship, affection, and genuine care.
BIBLICAL FELLOWSHIP
We shouldn't be satisfied with superficial friendships that reflects meaningless TV sitcom conversations. Our passion shouldn't be to appear to be witty, but to grow in godliness. It should be all about discussing and sharing what God is teaching us and doing in us. So, Christian friends share their lives with each other.
AFFECTION
Romans 12:10 says, "Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."
"It's important to be consistent. Don't show kindness only to those people you have a romantic interest in. Instead show kindness to all your brothers and sisters. This isn't flirting for the purpose of stirring romantic interest in someone; it's showing Christlike brotherly love," says Josh.
GENUINE CARE
Have a genuine desire for the other person's spiritual growth. Make it a priority to encourage them, and also gently rebuke when you see them in a pattern of sin. You'd want them to do that for you, wouldn't you? Let this lifestyle be driven by a genuine care for that person's spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being.
SIDE-BY-SIDE
Look for ways to serve each other.
"They [brother's and sister's in Christ] stand against wickedness together, they seek God together, they honor one another, and grow in grace side by side," says Harris.
Josh Harris presents 4 important steps involved in maintaining healthy friendships with the opposite sex:
1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.
C.S. Lewis once wrote, "We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead."
The important part to make the friendship work is to have a common goal or interest outside of each other. This could be an athletic pursuit, hobby, faith, or music... something outside of each other. As soon as the people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship. This isn't to say that we shouldn't try to grow the friendship, but that shouldn't be our primary focus. In a Christian friendship, ultimately the desire outside ourselves in every relationship should be to honor God. Find practical ways that you and your friend of the opposite sex can do that.
2. Be inclusive, not exclusive.
Obviously, this means involving other people, doing things in groups. But don't just have other people tag along so you officially have a "group." Josh describes that as "inclusion for the sake of appearances."
"Instead," he says, "inclusion must stem from a sincere desire to involve as many people as possible."
If you find yourself not wanting to involve others, you need to ask yourself if friendship is the real motive of the relationship. If it's not, some changes need to take place.
3. Make a priority of same-sex friendships.
One woman once told Josh Haris why she thought some females find friendships with males easier: "When your friends are guys, they give you attention that girls don't offer. And becaue girls know how other girls think - how we can play games - it's sometimes easier to be friends with guys. You can get away with not being as real." Honestly, it's true sometimes. Sure, not all the time, but sometimes.
If we avoid or neglect same-sex friendships we're being lazy or selfish by avoiding these relationships that could cause us to grow in character.
If you don't include same-sex friends, it's not a wise decision for the future. When you get married, it won't be appropriate (or appreciated by your spouse) to have lots of close friends of the opposite sex. Same-sex friendships are an important source of encouragement, counsel, perspective, and accountability.
4. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained.
"A friendship based on this self-serving, pleasure-seeking mindset can easily slip into a similarly self-serving romantic relationship that meets the needs of the moment," says Harris.
Our friendships should shift from a focus on ourselves, on how we can be entertained, to a focus on who we can serve. In this servant-hearted mindset we'll get to know our friends in a much deeper way than if we were sitting side by side in a movie theater.
But, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we can't ever seek entertainment, but we should seek to serve first. "Produce before you consume; serve before you seek entertainment," says Josh.
Romans 12:10-11
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."
Being just friends can sound just complicated and just plain confusing, but if you follow Romans 12:10-11 it can be just plain awesome.
You meet someone of the opposite sex. He or she really catches your eye.
Uh-oh.
Then you get to know this person, and you find out he or she has a great personality as well.
Double uh-oh.
To top it all off, this person sends you that "I'd like to get to know you better" vibe.
Major uh-oh.
If you've put romance on hold until you're ready for marraige, what do you do in a situation like this? The simple answer is to be just friends. Easy, right? Not quite.
"Being 'just friends' is just plain confusing," says Joshua Harris. Ha. No kidding.
In the beginning of this chapter, Harris presents a couple personal experiences that help with understanding how "just friends" can turn into "just a crazy, confusing rollercoaster." I'm sure you've been there, so I'm just going to skip to the meat of this chapter. As always, I encourage you to read the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, for yourself.
As brothers and sisters in Christ, we were born into this relationship. Elisabeth Elliot says, "The relationship between Christian brothers and sisters is not something we create. It's already established. We are members of one another. We are related." Christian friendship has God's glory as it's goal! These friendships are characterized by biblical fellowship, affection, and genuine care.
BIBLICAL FELLOWSHIP
We shouldn't be satisfied with superficial friendships that reflects meaningless TV sitcom conversations. Our passion shouldn't be to appear to be witty, but to grow in godliness. It should be all about discussing and sharing what God is teaching us and doing in us. So, Christian friends share their lives with each other.
AFFECTION
Romans 12:10 says, "Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."
"It's important to be consistent. Don't show kindness only to those people you have a romantic interest in. Instead show kindness to all your brothers and sisters. This isn't flirting for the purpose of stirring romantic interest in someone; it's showing Christlike brotherly love," says Josh.
GENUINE CARE
Have a genuine desire for the other person's spiritual growth. Make it a priority to encourage them, and also gently rebuke when you see them in a pattern of sin. You'd want them to do that for you, wouldn't you? Let this lifestyle be driven by a genuine care for that person's spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being.
SIDE-BY-SIDE
Look for ways to serve each other.
"They [brother's and sister's in Christ] stand against wickedness together, they seek God together, they honor one another, and grow in grace side by side," says Harris.
Josh Harris presents 4 important steps involved in maintaining healthy friendships with the opposite sex:
1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.
C.S. Lewis once wrote, "We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead."
The important part to make the friendship work is to have a common goal or interest outside of each other. This could be an athletic pursuit, hobby, faith, or music... something outside of each other. As soon as the people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship. This isn't to say that we shouldn't try to grow the friendship, but that shouldn't be our primary focus. In a Christian friendship, ultimately the desire outside ourselves in every relationship should be to honor God. Find practical ways that you and your friend of the opposite sex can do that.
2. Be inclusive, not exclusive.
Obviously, this means involving other people, doing things in groups. But don't just have other people tag along so you officially have a "group." Josh describes that as "inclusion for the sake of appearances."
"Instead," he says, "inclusion must stem from a sincere desire to involve as many people as possible."
If you find yourself not wanting to involve others, you need to ask yourself if friendship is the real motive of the relationship. If it's not, some changes need to take place.
3. Make a priority of same-sex friendships.
One woman once told Josh Haris why she thought some females find friendships with males easier: "When your friends are guys, they give you attention that girls don't offer. And becaue girls know how other girls think - how we can play games - it's sometimes easier to be friends with guys. You can get away with not being as real." Honestly, it's true sometimes. Sure, not all the time, but sometimes.
If we avoid or neglect same-sex friendships we're being lazy or selfish by avoiding these relationships that could cause us to grow in character.
If you don't include same-sex friends, it's not a wise decision for the future. When you get married, it won't be appropriate (or appreciated by your spouse) to have lots of close friends of the opposite sex. Same-sex friendships are an important source of encouragement, counsel, perspective, and accountability.
4. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained.
"A friendship based on this self-serving, pleasure-seeking mindset can easily slip into a similarly self-serving romantic relationship that meets the needs of the moment," says Harris.
Our friendships should shift from a focus on ourselves, on how we can be entertained, to a focus on who we can serve. In this servant-hearted mindset we'll get to know our friends in a much deeper way than if we were sitting side by side in a movie theater.
But, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we can't ever seek entertainment, but we should seek to serve first. "Produce before you consume; serve before you seek entertainment," says Josh.
Romans 12:10-11
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."
Being just friends can sound just complicated and just plain confusing, but if you follow Romans 12:10-11 it can be just plain awesome.
Friday, August 1, 2008
A Clean Slate (9)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8) [See blog archive.]
(Please bear with me as my blogger acount is acting up a little bit. This post - and following posts - might not look as exciting becasue the font color isn't working. But trust me, the content will be just as exciting!)
So, I've discussed what's wrong with the world's way of dating, the new attitude we as Christians should have, and the topics of love and purity, but how do we get past our previous sinful actions that may have scarred us for good? See blog post, "Put It Behind You (8)." For now, we're moving on to the exciting journey of Christ-centered relationships!
We all know as Christians it's important to maintain godliness in all of our relationships. Building this new direction of purity in our lives may take some tearing down first. Josh gives 5 suggestions for building and maintaining a Godly lifestyle.
1. Start with a clean slate.
The first step is to repent of our sinful actions and attitudes. God demands repentance if we desire to please Him with all of our being (Acts 17:30). Joshua Harris describes repentance as "a change of direction based on a change of heart." And, he adds, "There is a [big] difference between a true change of heart and merely feeling sorry because of the consequences of sin."
2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
"Worldly sorrow," says Harris, "is self-centered and leads to shame, but not to change. Godly sorry recognizes sin as an offense against God, turns to Christ for forgiveness, and leads to a transformed life."
Starting with a clean slate may mean ending a sinful relationshp. Breaking up is hard to do, I know, but it is sometimes necessary. "Continuing a wrong relationship only increases the pain when it finally does end. Have the courage to obey now. Obedience today will save you a lot of sorrow and regret tomorrow," says Josh.
Joshua Harris gives 2 suggestions for when you end a realationship.
First, really end it. Dn't leave any hint of possibly reuniting someday. Don't leave strings attached.
Second, agree to steer clear of each other for a while. That helps to end the relationship with finality so you aren't driven to feel old desires when you see that person again.
Starting with a clean slate may mean adjusting the focus of a relationship. If you feel that one of your friendships with someone of the opposite sex is getting a little more romantic than you want, or believe God wants, it's a good idea to refocus the relationship to keep it from heading in the wrong direction.
If you find it necessary to break up or readjust a relationship, make sure you do it humbly. Talk to the person and be honest with them. Express your desire to end or adjust the relationship for God's glory ultimately. Josh suggests not arguing with them to proove a point. If you've wronged the person, don't rationalize or make excuses. Just apologize.
2. Make your parents your teammates.
This new attitude toward relationships will need two things: wisdom and accountability, and often your parents are the best people to get that from. Harris says, and I must agree, "By hiding my romantic life from my parents, I cut myself off from a God-given source of wisdom that could have saved me from making so many mistakes." It will be necessary to choose to actively involve them and seek their wisdom. Let them know you desire and respect their wisdom and advice.
If you parents aren't around, or you don't have godly, trustworthy parents, it is absolutely essential you find an older adult in your church to keep you accountable, someone you know you can trust for guidance.
3. Establish clear guidlines.
You need to establish guidelines for your relationships with the opposite sex that are based on the wisdom of God's Word.
Think through the following questions, and others you may think of, with your parents or godly "support team."
What do you do when someone feels attracted to you, or vice versa?
How much time should you spend on the phone with someone of the opposite sex?
How much time should you spend together, even in group settings?
These questions aren't going to be easy to answer. Some of my personal suggestions to get you started are:
Make it your aim to not be alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex, especially for lengthy periods of time.
Try not to single the same person out or give someone too much attention in a group setting. Not to say you shouldn't foster a godly friendship with this person, but you also need other relationships.
Those are just a few. When you have good, protective guidelines for your relationships, it will be easier to stay on the course and direction of purity.
3. Check to see who's whispering in your ear.
For me, the "people" whispering in my ear are often romance novels, secular music, and chick-flicks, and sometimes even my friends who are obsessed with guys or the whold dating scene. These things can all encourage ungodly longings in me. They may be different for you, but they're probably on the same line.
"Whatever tempts you toward discontentment or compromise, don't put up with it. Tune it out. Turn it off," says Harris.
My own little blurb:
As soon as I read this section in the book, my mind went right to a popular series of romantic novels. These books used to be my favorite books just because of the main character - the seemingly perfect, protective, charming, handsome Edward Cullen. Yes, in the books he is all those things, which lead me to uncontentment in my life, and I think it affects many girls my age the same way. This is not to say that it's not fun or always wrong to read romance novels, but we've got to watch what affects us. I saw a "bumper sticker" that said, "Edward Cullen has ruined me for other men." It's true. We might never find someone "perfect" like that, and we shouldn't expect to. High expectations and longings like this lead to discontentment. So, my challenge to all you Twilight readers, don't make it your idol. Don't covet Bella Swan. Don't encourage fantasies that dwell on Edward, the perfect vampire. This isn't to say you shouldn't read the books (I personally enjoy them a lot), but don't make them the most important thing in your life.
End of little blurb by Kari. =)
Friends can also affect your thoughts very much. Be aware of this. Pray for those friends and love them with the selfless love of Christ.
5. Season your conviction with humility.
If you've taken the stand to kiss the world's way of dating goodbye, as I have, you'll have people asking questions. There are different ways to answer different people.
Josh suggests that for "limited acquaintances" - people you don't know too well - you don't need to dive into a discussion on dating. Just humbly state you don't date, or humbly answer their question without too much baggage. Don't make it overkill.
For established and ongoing friendships, there will be a different response. It is important to explain your convictions to your friends. They are essential for helping you on your road to purity. They will be able to respect, help, and work with your beliefs.
Whatever you do, when you explain, don't dive into a huge debate. Answering their simple questions or humbly explaining your convictions doesn't mean you need to convince your hearers of your view. In fact, when they see your humble attitude, they'll probably be more interested than if you jump on them about the seven habits of highly defective dating.
"Our key motive in communicating our beliefs about dating should be to serve others. We want to promote peace, love, and righteousness that will bring glory to God," says Harris.
We will get the people who just won't understand and will constantly nag us about it, possibly spread rumors, and talk behind our back, but the apostle Paul gives us an encouraging reminder:
1 Corinthians 4:12-13
"Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure, being defamed, we entreat."
A.W. Tozer once said, "Don't come down here and cry about it. Go home and live it!"
So, don't cry about past mistakes or how hard the future will be. Go and live it!
(Please bear with me as my blogger acount is acting up a little bit. This post - and following posts - might not look as exciting becasue the font color isn't working. But trust me, the content will be just as exciting!)
So, I've discussed what's wrong with the world's way of dating, the new attitude we as Christians should have, and the topics of love and purity, but how do we get past our previous sinful actions that may have scarred us for good? See blog post, "Put It Behind You (8)." For now, we're moving on to the exciting journey of Christ-centered relationships!
We all know as Christians it's important to maintain godliness in all of our relationships. Building this new direction of purity in our lives may take some tearing down first. Josh gives 5 suggestions for building and maintaining a Godly lifestyle.
1. Start with a clean slate.
The first step is to repent of our sinful actions and attitudes. God demands repentance if we desire to please Him with all of our being (Acts 17:30). Joshua Harris describes repentance as "a change of direction based on a change of heart." And, he adds, "There is a [big] difference between a true change of heart and merely feeling sorry because of the consequences of sin."
2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
"Worldly sorrow," says Harris, "is self-centered and leads to shame, but not to change. Godly sorry recognizes sin as an offense against God, turns to Christ for forgiveness, and leads to a transformed life."
Starting with a clean slate may mean ending a sinful relationshp. Breaking up is hard to do, I know, but it is sometimes necessary. "Continuing a wrong relationship only increases the pain when it finally does end. Have the courage to obey now. Obedience today will save you a lot of sorrow and regret tomorrow," says Josh.
Joshua Harris gives 2 suggestions for when you end a realationship.
First, really end it. Dn't leave any hint of possibly reuniting someday. Don't leave strings attached.
Second, agree to steer clear of each other for a while. That helps to end the relationship with finality so you aren't driven to feel old desires when you see that person again.
Starting with a clean slate may mean adjusting the focus of a relationship. If you feel that one of your friendships with someone of the opposite sex is getting a little more romantic than you want, or believe God wants, it's a good idea to refocus the relationship to keep it from heading in the wrong direction.
If you find it necessary to break up or readjust a relationship, make sure you do it humbly. Talk to the person and be honest with them. Express your desire to end or adjust the relationship for God's glory ultimately. Josh suggests not arguing with them to proove a point. If you've wronged the person, don't rationalize or make excuses. Just apologize.
2. Make your parents your teammates.
This new attitude toward relationships will need two things: wisdom and accountability, and often your parents are the best people to get that from. Harris says, and I must agree, "By hiding my romantic life from my parents, I cut myself off from a God-given source of wisdom that could have saved me from making so many mistakes." It will be necessary to choose to actively involve them and seek their wisdom. Let them know you desire and respect their wisdom and advice.
If you parents aren't around, or you don't have godly, trustworthy parents, it is absolutely essential you find an older adult in your church to keep you accountable, someone you know you can trust for guidance.
3. Establish clear guidlines.
You need to establish guidelines for your relationships with the opposite sex that are based on the wisdom of God's Word.
Think through the following questions, and others you may think of, with your parents or godly "support team."
What do you do when someone feels attracted to you, or vice versa?
How much time should you spend on the phone with someone of the opposite sex?
How much time should you spend together, even in group settings?
These questions aren't going to be easy to answer. Some of my personal suggestions to get you started are:
Make it your aim to not be alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex, especially for lengthy periods of time.
Try not to single the same person out or give someone too much attention in a group setting. Not to say you shouldn't foster a godly friendship with this person, but you also need other relationships.
Those are just a few. When you have good, protective guidelines for your relationships, it will be easier to stay on the course and direction of purity.
3. Check to see who's whispering in your ear.
For me, the "people" whispering in my ear are often romance novels, secular music, and chick-flicks, and sometimes even my friends who are obsessed with guys or the whold dating scene. These things can all encourage ungodly longings in me. They may be different for you, but they're probably on the same line.
"Whatever tempts you toward discontentment or compromise, don't put up with it. Tune it out. Turn it off," says Harris.
My own little blurb:
As soon as I read this section in the book, my mind went right to a popular series of romantic novels. These books used to be my favorite books just because of the main character - the seemingly perfect, protective, charming, handsome Edward Cullen. Yes, in the books he is all those things, which lead me to uncontentment in my life, and I think it affects many girls my age the same way. This is not to say that it's not fun or always wrong to read romance novels, but we've got to watch what affects us. I saw a "bumper sticker" that said, "Edward Cullen has ruined me for other men." It's true. We might never find someone "perfect" like that, and we shouldn't expect to. High expectations and longings like this lead to discontentment. So, my challenge to all you Twilight readers, don't make it your idol. Don't covet Bella Swan. Don't encourage fantasies that dwell on Edward, the perfect vampire. This isn't to say you shouldn't read the books (I personally enjoy them a lot), but don't make them the most important thing in your life.
End of little blurb by Kari. =)
Friends can also affect your thoughts very much. Be aware of this. Pray for those friends and love them with the selfless love of Christ.
5. Season your conviction with humility.
If you've taken the stand to kiss the world's way of dating goodbye, as I have, you'll have people asking questions. There are different ways to answer different people.
Josh suggests that for "limited acquaintances" - people you don't know too well - you don't need to dive into a discussion on dating. Just humbly state you don't date, or humbly answer their question without too much baggage. Don't make it overkill.
For established and ongoing friendships, there will be a different response. It is important to explain your convictions to your friends. They are essential for helping you on your road to purity. They will be able to respect, help, and work with your beliefs.
Whatever you do, when you explain, don't dive into a huge debate. Answering their simple questions or humbly explaining your convictions doesn't mean you need to convince your hearers of your view. In fact, when they see your humble attitude, they'll probably be more interested than if you jump on them about the seven habits of highly defective dating.
"Our key motive in communicating our beliefs about dating should be to serve others. We want to promote peace, love, and righteousness that will bring glory to God," says Harris.
We will get the people who just won't understand and will constantly nag us about it, possibly spread rumors, and talk behind our back, but the apostle Paul gives us an encouraging reminder:
1 Corinthians 4:12-13
"Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure, being defamed, we entreat."
A.W. Tozer once said, "Don't come down here and cry about it. Go home and live it!"
So, don't cry about past mistakes or how hard the future will be. Go and live it!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Put It Behind You (8)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7)
In Chapter 8 of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, "A Cleansed Past: The Room," Harris tells of a dream he had once. It is called "The Room".
Please take a moment to read the dream. It will inspire and motivate you exceptionally. But remember it is not just a nice story.
Romans 13:12-14
"So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently... not in sexual immorality and debauchery...Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature."
Maybe you have a particular memory that continues to hound you, a memory that makes you feel unworthy of God's forgiveness. Turn away from it. Don't replay that moment or any others like it. If you've rejected all those behaviors, God has promised to remember them no more (Hebrews 8:12). Move on. A lifetime of purity awaits you.
In Chapter 8 of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, "A Cleansed Past: The Room," Harris tells of a dream he had once. It is called "The Room".
Please take a moment to read the dream. It will inspire and motivate you exceptionally. But remember it is not just a nice story.
Romans 13:12-14
"So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave decently... not in sexual immorality and debauchery...Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature."
Maybe you have a particular memory that continues to hound you, a memory that makes you feel unworthy of God's forgiveness. Turn away from it. Don't replay that moment or any others like it. If you've rejected all those behaviors, God has promised to remember them no more (Hebrews 8:12). Move on. A lifetime of purity awaits you.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6)
Many times we think of purity and impurity seperated by a line. You often hear the phrase, "Don't cross the line."
But I argue, along with Joshua Harris, that purity is not a set, defined line; it is a direction, a lifestyle. Walk the talk that you talk.
"We esteem purity too little and desire it too late. Even when we try to assert its importance, we render our words meaningless by our contradictory actions," says Harris.
Back to the line. Many of us think it's okay if we don't cross the line, if we don't go all the way. We think we're still pure if we maintain that boundary - whatever the boundary is.
But Joshua Harris says, "True purity, however, is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise."
We all know the story of David, the "man after God's own heart" who fell into the sins of adultery and murder. That doesn't seem to give us much hope, does it? But we can have hope if we flee temptation and impurity as soon as we see it's flourishing. David didn't flee the image of Bathsheba when he saw her bathing on her rooftop, and from that little mistake a whole flock of regretful sins flourished.
Purity and impurity... where's the line drawn?
"Often in dating relationships, impurity starts long before the moments of passion in backseats. Instead it begins in our hearts, in our motivations and attitudes," says Josh. David's first step away from purity was the lust IN HIS HEART for Bathsheba when he first saw her bathing. Matthew 5:28 says, "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Josh continues, "We have to understand purity as a pursuit of righteousness. When we view it merely as a line not to cross, what keeps us from going as close as we can to the edge? If sex is the line, what's the difference between holding someone's hand and making out with that person? If kissing is the line, what's the difference between a good-night peck and fifteen minutes of passionate liplocking?... We cannot simultaneously explore the boundaries of purity and pursue righteousness...True purity flees as fast and as far as it can from sin and compromise."
Admit it. Many of us wear a "purity ring" or a "purity bracelet," or we've just plain committed to being pure. Not to say that those are bad things - they can in fact be very, very helpful. But if we make the commitment inside we've got to carry it out outside. That means NOT continuing relationships that encourage physical expression. It really comes down to whether we're willing to give up things so we may honor God fully in our lives. Easier said than done, I know, but when God is your focus, it won't be hard in the long run. You'll never regret purity.
Josh gives three pointers to help put our "purity into action" and help us maintain the direction of purity:
1. Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy.
Despite what the world around us says, "physical intimacy is much more than two bodies colliding. God designed our sexuality as a physical expression of the oneness of marriage," says Harris. When we're married, we're literally one flesh, which literally means we own each other's bodies. Before marriage, we don't "own" anyone else's body and therefore have no right to violate their purity.
2. Set your standards too high.
Sadly, many teens and young adults, even older adults, don't even have any standards.
Some examples of high standards are:
- Never being in a room alone with someone of the opposite sex.
- Not kissing until the wedding day.
- Not holding hands.
I know, they sound extreme, and they're not for everyone, but are you willing to do whatever it takes to stay pure and pursue righteousness, even if it means setting your standards that high?
"Physical interaction encourages us to start something we're not supposed to finish, awakening desires we're not allowed to consummate, turning on passions we have to turn off," says Harris.
Back to point #1. The beautiful thing about marriage is we start something we CAN finish, we awaken desires we CAN complete, we can turn on passions we NEVER have to turn off. Doesn't that just sound wonderful? You don't want to give yourself away to other people and then not have as much to give to your spouse do you?
And don't tolerate sin. If you're in a relationship where you're boyfriend insists you hold hands, which insists that you kiss, which insists that you snuggle on the couch, which insists that you sleep together... you see where I'm going. Don't tolerate sin! "Tolerated sin is pampered sin - it grows and gains strength," says Joshua Harris. Now, holding hands may not be sinful, but it may arouse sinful desires.
You may be thinking you're a good Christian who has high standards and would never do something that radical before marriage. Well, beware brothers and sisters. Remember King David, a "man after God's own heart"? Don't think you're safe from the trap of impurity. Joshua Harris shares this story in his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye:
"In an e-mail, seventeen-year-old Mandi told me the sad story of how her once 'very high standards' were steadily eroded by her boyfriend. Mandi came from a strong Christian home, was active in her youth group, and planned to be a virgin on her wedding night. But 'little things' like extra-long hugs, hand-holding, and kisses on the neck were her resolve. 'I didn't rearlize how "just kissing" brings on tons of other emotions that I never knew existed,' she told me. 'Two days before our two-year anniversary I finally gave in, and I lost my virginity. The shame that covered me was indescribable,' she recounted. 'Later on that day I took a shower and scrubbed my entire body a million times, thinking this would make me feel clean. It only left some red makrs that my tears blinded me from noticing.'"
Set your standards too high. You'll never regret purity.
3. Make the purity of others a priority.
This is one of my favorite parts of this whole book, because I think as Christians we have a certain commitment to our brothers and sisters in Christ, and we need to be seeking to maintain their purity even if it means going out of our way.
The Guy's Responsibility
Joshua Harris, obviously a male, comes at you guys and tells you this (and as a girl, I heartily agree):
Stop acting like hunters trying to catch girls and begin seeing yourselves as warriors standing guard over them. I love that analogy so much. You have no idea how much it would mean to me, or probably any girl, to have you, guys, guard over us like that instead of knowing that you're watching our every move with lust in your hearts.
Be sincere and honest in your communication. Sarcasm is funny... to a point. We like humor, but we like deep, thoughtful, and serious conversations too. We want honesty, not superfical jokes and innuendos that we see in the movies. We're not all airheads.
Swear off flirtatiousness and refuse to play games that lead us (girls) on.
Harris says, "I want to be the kind of friend to whom girls' future husbands could one day say, 'Thank you for standing watch over my wife's heart. Thank you for guarding her purity.'"
I've heard my guy friends laugh at that comment, but I would want my husband to be able to say that to my guy friends. Trust me guys, purity isn't funny. It isn't a joke.
The Girls' Responsibility
First of all, I'm going to say I want feedback. If you're a guy and you have any other suggestions, please chime in, leave me an e-mail, a comment, whatever, but I want to know what you think!
Girls, be aware of how easily your actions and glances can stir up lust in a guy's mind. Us girls are emotionally driven, most guys are visually driven. Enough said.
And, please, consider more than just fashion when shopping for clothes. Consider modesty so you can protect the hearts of your male friends. Josh told a story of his friend who asks her dad to evaluate every outfit she buys. She wants a godly man's opinion of whether or not it's modest. Not a bad idea. Not an easy idea, but not a bad idea.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." (Hebrews 10:24)
"A relationship devoid of purity is soon reduced to nothing more than two bodies grasping at and demanding pleasure. Without purity, the mind becomes a slave to depravity, tossed about by every sinful craving and imagination," says Harris.
I don't know about you, but I see the beauty of purity, and I also see where I've failed. If you're serious about purity, you're probably heartbroken to realize how impure your lifestyle has been thus far. But don't worry, there's also a beautiful thing called forgiveness. My next blog post will be about putting the past behind you, asking for forgiveness, and moving on to live a lifestyle of purity and righteousness.
Many times we think of purity and impurity seperated by a line. You often hear the phrase, "Don't cross the line."
But I argue, along with Joshua Harris, that purity is not a set, defined line; it is a direction, a lifestyle. Walk the talk that you talk.
"We esteem purity too little and desire it too late. Even when we try to assert its importance, we render our words meaningless by our contradictory actions," says Harris.
Back to the line. Many of us think it's okay if we don't cross the line, if we don't go all the way. We think we're still pure if we maintain that boundary - whatever the boundary is.
But Joshua Harris says, "True purity, however, is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise."
We all know the story of David, the "man after God's own heart" who fell into the sins of adultery and murder. That doesn't seem to give us much hope, does it? But we can have hope if we flee temptation and impurity as soon as we see it's flourishing. David didn't flee the image of Bathsheba when he saw her bathing on her rooftop, and from that little mistake a whole flock of regretful sins flourished.
Purity and impurity... where's the line drawn?
"Often in dating relationships, impurity starts long before the moments of passion in backseats. Instead it begins in our hearts, in our motivations and attitudes," says Josh. David's first step away from purity was the lust IN HIS HEART for Bathsheba when he first saw her bathing. Matthew 5:28 says, "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Josh continues, "We have to understand purity as a pursuit of righteousness. When we view it merely as a line not to cross, what keeps us from going as close as we can to the edge? If sex is the line, what's the difference between holding someone's hand and making out with that person? If kissing is the line, what's the difference between a good-night peck and fifteen minutes of passionate liplocking?... We cannot simultaneously explore the boundaries of purity and pursue righteousness...True purity flees as fast and as far as it can from sin and compromise."
Admit it. Many of us wear a "purity ring" or a "purity bracelet," or we've just plain committed to being pure. Not to say that those are bad things - they can in fact be very, very helpful. But if we make the commitment inside we've got to carry it out outside. That means NOT continuing relationships that encourage physical expression. It really comes down to whether we're willing to give up things so we may honor God fully in our lives. Easier said than done, I know, but when God is your focus, it won't be hard in the long run. You'll never regret purity.
Josh gives three pointers to help put our "purity into action" and help us maintain the direction of purity:
1. Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy.
Despite what the world around us says, "physical intimacy is much more than two bodies colliding. God designed our sexuality as a physical expression of the oneness of marriage," says Harris. When we're married, we're literally one flesh, which literally means we own each other's bodies. Before marriage, we don't "own" anyone else's body and therefore have no right to violate their purity.
2. Set your standards too high.
Sadly, many teens and young adults, even older adults, don't even have any standards.
Some examples of high standards are:
- Never being in a room alone with someone of the opposite sex.
- Not kissing until the wedding day.
- Not holding hands.
I know, they sound extreme, and they're not for everyone, but are you willing to do whatever it takes to stay pure and pursue righteousness, even if it means setting your standards that high?
"Physical interaction encourages us to start something we're not supposed to finish, awakening desires we're not allowed to consummate, turning on passions we have to turn off," says Harris.
Back to point #1. The beautiful thing about marriage is we start something we CAN finish, we awaken desires we CAN complete, we can turn on passions we NEVER have to turn off. Doesn't that just sound wonderful? You don't want to give yourself away to other people and then not have as much to give to your spouse do you?
And don't tolerate sin. If you're in a relationship where you're boyfriend insists you hold hands, which insists that you kiss, which insists that you snuggle on the couch, which insists that you sleep together... you see where I'm going. Don't tolerate sin! "Tolerated sin is pampered sin - it grows and gains strength," says Joshua Harris. Now, holding hands may not be sinful, but it may arouse sinful desires.
You may be thinking you're a good Christian who has high standards and would never do something that radical before marriage. Well, beware brothers and sisters. Remember King David, a "man after God's own heart"? Don't think you're safe from the trap of impurity. Joshua Harris shares this story in his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye:
"In an e-mail, seventeen-year-old Mandi told me the sad story of how her once 'very high standards' were steadily eroded by her boyfriend. Mandi came from a strong Christian home, was active in her youth group, and planned to be a virgin on her wedding night. But 'little things' like extra-long hugs, hand-holding, and kisses on the neck were her resolve. 'I didn't rearlize how "just kissing" brings on tons of other emotions that I never knew existed,' she told me. 'Two days before our two-year anniversary I finally gave in, and I lost my virginity. The shame that covered me was indescribable,' she recounted. 'Later on that day I took a shower and scrubbed my entire body a million times, thinking this would make me feel clean. It only left some red makrs that my tears blinded me from noticing.'"
Set your standards too high. You'll never regret purity.
3. Make the purity of others a priority.
This is one of my favorite parts of this whole book, because I think as Christians we have a certain commitment to our brothers and sisters in Christ, and we need to be seeking to maintain their purity even if it means going out of our way.
The Guy's Responsibility
Joshua Harris, obviously a male, comes at you guys and tells you this (and as a girl, I heartily agree):
Stop acting like hunters trying to catch girls and begin seeing yourselves as warriors standing guard over them. I love that analogy so much. You have no idea how much it would mean to me, or probably any girl, to have you, guys, guard over us like that instead of knowing that you're watching our every move with lust in your hearts.
Be sincere and honest in your communication. Sarcasm is funny... to a point. We like humor, but we like deep, thoughtful, and serious conversations too. We want honesty, not superfical jokes and innuendos that we see in the movies. We're not all airheads.
Swear off flirtatiousness and refuse to play games that lead us (girls) on.
Harris says, "I want to be the kind of friend to whom girls' future husbands could one day say, 'Thank you for standing watch over my wife's heart. Thank you for guarding her purity.'"
I've heard my guy friends laugh at that comment, but I would want my husband to be able to say that to my guy friends. Trust me guys, purity isn't funny. It isn't a joke.
The Girls' Responsibility
First of all, I'm going to say I want feedback. If you're a guy and you have any other suggestions, please chime in, leave me an e-mail, a comment, whatever, but I want to know what you think!
Girls, be aware of how easily your actions and glances can stir up lust in a guy's mind. Us girls are emotionally driven, most guys are visually driven. Enough said.
And, please, consider more than just fashion when shopping for clothes. Consider modesty so you can protect the hearts of your male friends. Josh told a story of his friend who asks her dad to evaluate every outfit she buys. She wants a godly man's opinion of whether or not it's modest. Not a bad idea. Not an easy idea, but not a bad idea.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." (Hebrews 10:24)
"A relationship devoid of purity is soon reduced to nothing more than two bodies grasping at and demanding pleasure. Without purity, the mind becomes a slave to depravity, tossed about by every sinful craving and imagination," says Harris.
I don't know about you, but I see the beauty of purity, and I also see where I've failed. If you're serious about purity, you're probably heartbroken to realize how impure your lifestyle has been thus far. But don't worry, there's also a beautiful thing called forgiveness. My next blog post will be about putting the past behind you, asking for forgiveness, and moving on to live a lifestyle of purity and righteousness.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6)
Blogs to be read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5)
I want to start this section off with a quote by William J. Bennett, the man who arranged the ever-so-popular, Book Of Virtues, which includes the story of impatience called "The Magic Thread." Take a minute to read the story if you have time.
Here's what Mr. Bennett says to introduce the story:
"Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually 'happiness' in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile."
Keep that in mind.
"When we pursue romance is a major factor in determining whether or not dating is appropriate for us," says Josh Harris. We must trust God's purpose for singleness and trust His timing for relationships.
In this chapter of I Kissed Dating Goodbye Josh gives us 3 simple truths that can help correct wrong attitudes about the timing of relationships.
1. The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing.
Our society works like this: we microwave our food, e-mail our letters, and express mail our packages. If something is good, we seek to enjoy it immediately. Not to say that enjoying something good immediately is wrong, but the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. You'll see where I'm going with this.
In Ecclesisates 3:1-8 the Biblical principle of "seasons" is presented. Josh Harris argues, and I must agree, that we, in our sped-up society, have lost this principle of seasons. Each season of our lives has a different emphasis, focus, and beauty, and each season yields its own unique treasures. Each season builds on the one before it. For many of us, the season we're meant to be in right now is singleness, but we often make the mistake of taking a good thing (a prime example being premarital sex) out of its appropriate season to enjoy it when we want it. This rushed lifestyle can spoil the beauty of God's plan for our lives.
2. You Don't Need To Shop For What You Can't Afford.
Remember the Little Relationship Principle: The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Harris goes on to say, "Intimacy costs commitment [just as a soda costs one dollar]. If I'm not in a position to pay in the cold, hard cash of commitment, I have no business going shopping for my future mate."
If you spend all your time and energy trying to hunt down your future spouse or (if you think you've already found him or her) trying to contain him or her until you can marry, you might actually do that person a disservice.
Harris says, "The guy of girl you will one day marry doesn't need a boyfriend or girlfriend...What that person really needs is someone mature enough to spend the season before marriage preparing to be a godly wife or husband. Let's do our future spouses a favor and stop shopping around prematurely."
3. Any Season Of Singleness Is A Gift From God.
1 Corinthians 7:32 (The Message):
"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nuturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming holy instruments of God."
Singleness, in the eyes of God, is a a gift, and uparalleled opportunity for undistracted devotion to God.
"Don't do something about your singlehood - do something with it!"
Dating robs us of the gift of singleness. "You might just do God a disservice by wasting its potential on a liftestyle of short-term dating," says Harris.
Trust, Trust, Trust that God Knows Best!
Joshua Harris says, "Waiting for God's timing requires trusting in His goodness and wisdom. We develop patience as we trust that God denies us what we think is good only because He has something better for us - both now and in the future."
Contentment is key. 1 Timothy 6:6 says, "godliness with contetment is great gain." Contentment is not a destination, it is a state of mind. If you believe that on the day you will get married, you'll become content, you're probably wrong. If you're discontent in your singleness, you'll probably be discontent in your marriage. Don't miss the gift of the moment.
John Fischer said, "I have a feeling that a single person who is always wishing he were married will probably get married, discover all that is involved, and wish he were single again."
Be like Paul: learn to be content whatever the circumstaces (Philippians 4:11), for we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13).
"Sometime" by May Riley Smith
Sometime, when all life’s lessons have been learned,
And sun and stars forevermore have set,
The things which our weak judgements here have spurned,
The things so’er which we grieved with lashes wet,
Will flash before us out of life’s dark night,
As stars shine most in deeper tints of blue;
And we shall see how all God’s plans are right,
And how what seemed reproof was love most true.
Then be content, poor heart;
God’s plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold;
We must not tear the close-shut leaves apart,—
Time will reveal the chalices of gold.
And if, through patient toil, we reach the land
Where tired feet, with sandals loosed, may rest,
When we shall clearly see and understand,
I think we will say, "God knew the best.”
"When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances...Let's live our todays for His kingdom and entrust our tomorrows to His providence," concludes Harris.
I want to start this section off with a quote by William J. Bennett, the man who arranged the ever-so-popular, Book Of Virtues, which includes the story of impatience called "The Magic Thread." Take a minute to read the story if you have time.
Here's what Mr. Bennett says to introduce the story:
"Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually 'happiness' in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile."
Keep that in mind.
"When we pursue romance is a major factor in determining whether or not dating is appropriate for us," says Josh Harris. We must trust God's purpose for singleness and trust His timing for relationships.
In this chapter of I Kissed Dating Goodbye Josh gives us 3 simple truths that can help correct wrong attitudes about the timing of relationships.
1. The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing.
Our society works like this: we microwave our food, e-mail our letters, and express mail our packages. If something is good, we seek to enjoy it immediately. Not to say that enjoying something good immediately is wrong, but the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. You'll see where I'm going with this.
In Ecclesisates 3:1-8 the Biblical principle of "seasons" is presented. Josh Harris argues, and I must agree, that we, in our sped-up society, have lost this principle of seasons. Each season of our lives has a different emphasis, focus, and beauty, and each season yields its own unique treasures. Each season builds on the one before it. For many of us, the season we're meant to be in right now is singleness, but we often make the mistake of taking a good thing (a prime example being premarital sex) out of its appropriate season to enjoy it when we want it. This rushed lifestyle can spoil the beauty of God's plan for our lives.
2. You Don't Need To Shop For What You Can't Afford.
Remember the Little Relationship Principle: The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Harris goes on to say, "Intimacy costs commitment [just as a soda costs one dollar]. If I'm not in a position to pay in the cold, hard cash of commitment, I have no business going shopping for my future mate."
If you spend all your time and energy trying to hunt down your future spouse or (if you think you've already found him or her) trying to contain him or her until you can marry, you might actually do that person a disservice.
Harris says, "The guy of girl you will one day marry doesn't need a boyfriend or girlfriend...What that person really needs is someone mature enough to spend the season before marriage preparing to be a godly wife or husband. Let's do our future spouses a favor and stop shopping around prematurely."
3. Any Season Of Singleness Is A Gift From God.
1 Corinthians 7:32 (The Message):
"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nuturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming holy instruments of God."
Singleness, in the eyes of God, is a a gift, and uparalleled opportunity for undistracted devotion to God.
"Don't do something about your singlehood - do something with it!"
Dating robs us of the gift of singleness. "You might just do God a disservice by wasting its potential on a liftestyle of short-term dating," says Harris.
Trust, Trust, Trust that God Knows Best!
Joshua Harris says, "Waiting for God's timing requires trusting in His goodness and wisdom. We develop patience as we trust that God denies us what we think is good only because He has something better for us - both now and in the future."
Contentment is key. 1 Timothy 6:6 says, "godliness with contetment is great gain." Contentment is not a destination, it is a state of mind. If you believe that on the day you will get married, you'll become content, you're probably wrong. If you're discontent in your singleness, you'll probably be discontent in your marriage. Don't miss the gift of the moment.
John Fischer said, "I have a feeling that a single person who is always wishing he were married will probably get married, discover all that is involved, and wish he were single again."
Be like Paul: learn to be content whatever the circumstaces (Philippians 4:11), for we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13).
"Sometime" by May Riley Smith
Sometime, when all life’s lessons have been learned,
And sun and stars forevermore have set,
The things which our weak judgements here have spurned,
The things so’er which we grieved with lashes wet,
Will flash before us out of life’s dark night,
As stars shine most in deeper tints of blue;
And we shall see how all God’s plans are right,
And how what seemed reproof was love most true.
Then be content, poor heart;
God’s plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold;
We must not tear the close-shut leaves apart,—
Time will reveal the chalices of gold.
And if, through patient toil, we reach the land
Where tired feet, with sandals loosed, may rest,
When we shall clearly see and understand,
I think we will say, "God knew the best.”
"When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances...Let's live our todays for His kingdom and entrust our tomorrows to His providence," concludes Harris.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Looking up "Love" in God's dictionary. (5)
Blogs to be read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4)
What is love?
Many of us good Christians will spit out 1 Corinthians 13, the "Love Chapter," but this particular chapter in the Bible has more significance than probably many of us every realized. Paul, the author of 1 and 2 Corinthians, wrote about God's love to the people there, and that was the equivalent of writing a letter on family values to Hollywood today. Corinthian was synonymous with immorality.
*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (1 Cor. 13:4)*
"How could these people possibly understand the true meaning of the statement 'God is love' (1 John 4:16) when on every street corner and from every brothel someone offered their version of "love" - sensual pleasure - to them?" asks author, Joshua Harris.
*It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Cor. 13:5)*
Would they - will WE - choose everlasting or fleeting pleasure? The world today is the same as it was in Paul's day. It screams at us from newspapers, magazines, billboards, and movies: "Love is sex...Sex is plasure...Pleasure is all that matters."
*Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:6-8)*
~t~h~i~n~k~~a~b~o~u~t~~i~t~~
John 13:34 gives us the pattern for true love: "As I [Jesus] have loved you, so you must love one another." As Christians, we are to model God's love to the empty and lost world.
Josh says, "People watch us, and what they see affects God's reputation for loving His creation. If we claim to follow Christ then wear the world's twisted style of love, we drag the name and character of our Lord in the dirt."
Are you dragging Jesus in the dirt?
As I've mentioned in the previous chapters, the world's version of love is all about pleasing me. What can I get out of it? We're also told that love is a feeling.
The song, "Hooked on a Feeling" popped into my head right now. It clearly describes the world's definition of love:
"I can't stop this feeling deep inside of me...I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm high on believing, that you're in love with me."
On the topic, Harris says, "Our feelings by themselves don't do others one bit of good. If a man feels love for the poor but never gives money to help them or never shows kindness to them, what are his feelings worth? They may benefit him, but if his actions don't communicate love, his feelings mean nothing...By inflating the importance of feelings, we neglect the importance of putting love into action."
We're also told that love is beyond our control. We say, "I fell in love," or "We're madly in love." Do you realize you're comparing love to a pit or a mental disorder? We say this because it removes personal responsibility.
The popular Alicia Keys song, "Fallin'" describes this pattern of thinking oh-too-well:
I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused
I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I loved you
Oh, Oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain, yea yea
'Cause when I think
I'm taking more than would a fool
And I start fallin' back in love with you
It all sounds so true though, doesn't it? That's because it's all the world tells us - that we can't help it, that we have no control.
I love the way Josh Harris puts this:
"The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, 'This is love.' God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, 'This is love.'"
Does that not bring you to tears? To think that we go on and play the fake game of love with the world, when God sent His only Son to show us what true love is? It's time to stop ignoring God!
In His death, He taught us that love is for the glory of God and the good of others - not the fulfillment of self. John 5:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
Christ also taught us it's NOT a feeling. Harris describes it like this, "(see Mark 14, where Jesus prays in the garden of Gethsemane) He clearly didn't feel like enduring the beatings, hanging on the cross, and enduring God's wrath for sin. But He submitted himself to His Father's will. Jesus' feelings were not the test of His love, nor were they His master."
We express true love in obedience to God and service to others - and we choose these behaviors.
Harris goes on to say, "[Clearly,] God's true love clashes with dating as we know it...When we extract the poison of self-love, our entire motivation in relationships is transformed...Our feelings can lie to us!"
Love must be sincere. God tells us this through Paul in Romans 12:9. This simply means genuine and earnest, not hypocritical. Josh told a story of the "schemes" of some guys he knew. He described it as a study in manipulation. They merely wanted to push emotional buttons [on girls] to get something for themselves. That doesn't sound like genuine love to me. And I certainly don't want anyone pushing my buttons!
There's a popular song in the contemporary Christian genre that says, "They will know we are Christians by our love...Love is patient, love is kind, never boasts, not full of pride, always hopes, always trusts, the evidence of Christ in us." How true.
The love we practice now prepares us for future relationships. Today we form patterns that we'll take with us into our marriage. Let that pattern by commitment based love! In saying this, dating as we know it today doesn't prepare us for marriage, it prepares us for divorce!
This doesn't mean we have to marry the first person we date. No, we have to wisely consider marriage, and be willing to obey God.
"True love waits, but not just for sex. It waits for the right time to commit to God's brand of love - unwavering, unflagging, and totally commited," says Harris.
Hopefully you realize the sanity of the book finally. We cannot love as God loves and date as the world dates.
Please, it would be my greatest joy, even if I don't know you, for you to take this into consideration and look out for your brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as being an example to the world.
What is love?
Many of us good Christians will spit out 1 Corinthians 13, the "Love Chapter," but this particular chapter in the Bible has more significance than probably many of us every realized. Paul, the author of 1 and 2 Corinthians, wrote about God's love to the people there, and that was the equivalent of writing a letter on family values to Hollywood today. Corinthian was synonymous with immorality.
*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (1 Cor. 13:4)*
"How could these people possibly understand the true meaning of the statement 'God is love' (1 John 4:16) when on every street corner and from every brothel someone offered their version of "love" - sensual pleasure - to them?" asks author, Joshua Harris.
*It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Cor. 13:5)*
Would they - will WE - choose everlasting or fleeting pleasure? The world today is the same as it was in Paul's day. It screams at us from newspapers, magazines, billboards, and movies: "Love is sex...Sex is plasure...Pleasure is all that matters."
*Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:6-8)*
~t~h~i~n~k~~a~b~o~u~t~~i~t~~
John 13:34 gives us the pattern for true love: "As I [Jesus] have loved you, so you must love one another." As Christians, we are to model God's love to the empty and lost world.
Josh says, "People watch us, and what they see affects God's reputation for loving His creation. If we claim to follow Christ then wear the world's twisted style of love, we drag the name and character of our Lord in the dirt."
Are you dragging Jesus in the dirt?
As I've mentioned in the previous chapters, the world's version of love is all about pleasing me. What can I get out of it? We're also told that love is a feeling.
The song, "Hooked on a Feeling" popped into my head right now. It clearly describes the world's definition of love:
"I can't stop this feeling deep inside of me...I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm high on believing, that you're in love with me."
On the topic, Harris says, "Our feelings by themselves don't do others one bit of good. If a man feels love for the poor but never gives money to help them or never shows kindness to them, what are his feelings worth? They may benefit him, but if his actions don't communicate love, his feelings mean nothing...By inflating the importance of feelings, we neglect the importance of putting love into action."
We're also told that love is beyond our control. We say, "I fell in love," or "We're madly in love." Do you realize you're comparing love to a pit or a mental disorder? We say this because it removes personal responsibility.
The popular Alicia Keys song, "Fallin'" describes this pattern of thinking oh-too-well:
I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good
At times I feel used
Loving you darling
Makes me so confused
I keep on fallin' in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I loved you
Oh, Oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain, yea yea
'Cause when I think
I'm taking more than would a fool
And I start fallin' back in love with you
It all sounds so true though, doesn't it? That's because it's all the world tells us - that we can't help it, that we have no control.
I love the way Josh Harris puts this:
"The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, 'This is love.' God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, 'This is love.'"
Does that not bring you to tears? To think that we go on and play the fake game of love with the world, when God sent His only Son to show us what true love is? It's time to stop ignoring God!
In His death, He taught us that love is for the glory of God and the good of others - not the fulfillment of self. John 5:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
Christ also taught us it's NOT a feeling. Harris describes it like this, "(see Mark 14, where Jesus prays in the garden of Gethsemane) He clearly didn't feel like enduring the beatings, hanging on the cross, and enduring God's wrath for sin. But He submitted himself to His Father's will. Jesus' feelings were not the test of His love, nor were they His master."
We express true love in obedience to God and service to others - and we choose these behaviors.
Harris goes on to say, "[Clearly,] God's true love clashes with dating as we know it...When we extract the poison of self-love, our entire motivation in relationships is transformed...Our feelings can lie to us!"
Love must be sincere. God tells us this through Paul in Romans 12:9. This simply means genuine and earnest, not hypocritical. Josh told a story of the "schemes" of some guys he knew. He described it as a study in manipulation. They merely wanted to push emotional buttons [on girls] to get something for themselves. That doesn't sound like genuine love to me. And I certainly don't want anyone pushing my buttons!
There's a popular song in the contemporary Christian genre that says, "They will know we are Christians by our love...Love is patient, love is kind, never boasts, not full of pride, always hopes, always trusts, the evidence of Christ in us." How true.
The love we practice now prepares us for future relationships. Today we form patterns that we'll take with us into our marriage. Let that pattern by commitment based love! In saying this, dating as we know it today doesn't prepare us for marriage, it prepares us for divorce!
This doesn't mean we have to marry the first person we date. No, we have to wisely consider marriage, and be willing to obey God.
"True love waits, but not just for sex. It waits for the right time to commit to God's brand of love - unwavering, unflagging, and totally commited," says Harris.
Hopefully you realize the sanity of the book finally. We cannot love as God loves and date as the world dates.
Please, it would be my greatest joy, even if I don't know you, for you to take this into consideration and look out for your brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as being an example to the world.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4)
*
Blogs to be read before this one:
Welcome
Too Much, Too Soon (1)
Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2)
DEFECT! (3)
*
As I noted in the previous blogs, it's time for a new attitude toward relationships. Maybe you're thinking it's impossible. You're either roped down in a worldly relationship and don't know how to change or you either just don't want to change. Whatever the attitude is, there's hope for change.
Ephesians 4:22-24
"Throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through and through, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new nature because you are a new person, created in God's likeness - righteous, holy, and true."
Not only is there hope for change, there is a command for change!
Josh Harris makes 5 "attitude changes" to help us on our road to purity, true love, and the gift of singleness.
1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love.
From a girl's perspective, friendships with guys are opportunitites to love them as Christ does. We're not to treat them as potential boyfriends, but as brothers in Christ. (And the same is true for boys.) Our love for our "brothers" and "sisters" should be sincere, servant-hearted, and selfless, just as Christ's is for us.
2. My unmarried years are a gift from God.
A gift? Yup, that's right. A gift. A sinful, selfish pattern of dating robs us of the flexibility, freedom, and focus of singleness. Please, learn to be content with friendship during the time God wants you to be single. Pursue more effective ministry and deeper friendships with people of both genders! Josh says, "As a single you have the freedom right now to explore, study, and tackle the Word. No other time in your life will offer these chances [with that much freedom]."
3. I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage.
"If too people can't make a commitment to each other, they don't have any business pursuing romance," says Josh. If you're too young or too immature, you especially can't make a commitment of marriage just yet. Harris goes on to say, "God has made each of us with a desire for intimacy, and He intentds to fulfill it. While we're single He doesn't expect these longings to disappear, but I believe He asks us to have the patience to wait and, in the meantime, seek close relationships with family and deep, non romantic relationships with brothers and sisters in the Lord."
4. I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage.
Put simply, until we're ready to commit our lives in marriage, we have no right to treat anyone as if he or she belongs to us. It's not okay to claim another person's time, affection, and future before marriage. Again, too much energy is put on that one person when it should be used for serving the body of Christ and preparing for the future.
5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind.
Harris says, "Purity consists of more than just remaining a virgin." If you've learned one thing so far, I hope it's that. He goes on to say, "Where, when, and with whom you choose to spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity...Avoid placing yourself in settings that encourage temptation." Josh tells a story of a girl who commited saving sex for marriage, but often placed herself in compromising situations with her boyfriend - homework at her house when her mom's gone, hiking alone, ending their dates in his parked car. Beware! Even the most seemingly-sublte of situations can be opportunities for tempation and lust to flourish.
Unnecessary Baggage
"The God-fashioned life leaves no room for pettiness, insincerity, wasted time, or selfishness... no room for the seven habits of high defective dating." [See post, 'DEFECT! (3)'] "A Christian with his or her eyes on the goal of sincere and intelligent love will find that throwing out the world's approach to dating is no sacrifice."
And I've mentioned it a lot, but I'll say it again (putting as much emphasis on it as Joshua Harris does). Just because you kiss dating goodbye doesn't mean you kiss friendships with the opposite sex goodbye. It doesn't mean get rid of companionship, romance, or marriage... It means to pursue them when God intends for you to.
"Leaving dating behind is a by-product of God's primary desire for us to consume ourselves with Him wholeheartedly," said Josh.
Give God your all, and He'll give you His best. Hand it all over to Him!
Blogs to be read before this one:
Welcome
Too Much, Too Soon (1)
Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2)
DEFECT! (3)
*
As I noted in the previous blogs, it's time for a new attitude toward relationships. Maybe you're thinking it's impossible. You're either roped down in a worldly relationship and don't know how to change or you either just don't want to change. Whatever the attitude is, there's hope for change.
Ephesians 4:22-24
"Throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through and through, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new nature because you are a new person, created in God's likeness - righteous, holy, and true."
Not only is there hope for change, there is a command for change!
Josh Harris makes 5 "attitude changes" to help us on our road to purity, true love, and the gift of singleness.
1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love.
From a girl's perspective, friendships with guys are opportunitites to love them as Christ does. We're not to treat them as potential boyfriends, but as brothers in Christ. (And the same is true for boys.) Our love for our "brothers" and "sisters" should be sincere, servant-hearted, and selfless, just as Christ's is for us.
2. My unmarried years are a gift from God.
A gift? Yup, that's right. A gift. A sinful, selfish pattern of dating robs us of the flexibility, freedom, and focus of singleness. Please, learn to be content with friendship during the time God wants you to be single. Pursue more effective ministry and deeper friendships with people of both genders! Josh says, "As a single you have the freedom right now to explore, study, and tackle the Word. No other time in your life will offer these chances [with that much freedom]."
3. I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage.
"If too people can't make a commitment to each other, they don't have any business pursuing romance," says Josh. If you're too young or too immature, you especially can't make a commitment of marriage just yet. Harris goes on to say, "God has made each of us with a desire for intimacy, and He intentds to fulfill it. While we're single He doesn't expect these longings to disappear, but I believe He asks us to have the patience to wait and, in the meantime, seek close relationships with family and deep, non romantic relationships with brothers and sisters in the Lord."
4. I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage.
Put simply, until we're ready to commit our lives in marriage, we have no right to treat anyone as if he or she belongs to us. It's not okay to claim another person's time, affection, and future before marriage. Again, too much energy is put on that one person when it should be used for serving the body of Christ and preparing for the future.
5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind.
Harris says, "Purity consists of more than just remaining a virgin." If you've learned one thing so far, I hope it's that. He goes on to say, "Where, when, and with whom you choose to spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity...Avoid placing yourself in settings that encourage temptation." Josh tells a story of a girl who commited saving sex for marriage, but often placed herself in compromising situations with her boyfriend - homework at her house when her mom's gone, hiking alone, ending their dates in his parked car. Beware! Even the most seemingly-sublte of situations can be opportunities for tempation and lust to flourish.
Unnecessary Baggage
"The God-fashioned life leaves no room for pettiness, insincerity, wasted time, or selfishness... no room for the seven habits of high defective dating." [See post, 'DEFECT! (3)'] "A Christian with his or her eyes on the goal of sincere and intelligent love will find that throwing out the world's approach to dating is no sacrifice."
And I've mentioned it a lot, but I'll say it again (putting as much emphasis on it as Joshua Harris does). Just because you kiss dating goodbye doesn't mean you kiss friendships with the opposite sex goodbye. It doesn't mean get rid of companionship, romance, or marriage... It means to pursue them when God intends for you to.
"Leaving dating behind is a by-product of God's primary desire for us to consume ourselves with Him wholeheartedly," said Josh.
Give God your all, and He'll give you His best. Hand it all over to Him!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
DEFECT! (3)
{before you read this, you may want to check out the 3 blogs that precede it: Welcome!, Too much, too soon (1), and Too much icing, too little cake (2)}
So, why kiss dating goodbye? Good question, really. Simple answer? Yes and no. Let me explain (via Joshua Harris).
Recap: "Dating in and of itself isn't the cause of the problems we see in relationships. Sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships - it's our own wrong attitudes and values that make for defective dating."
Josh used this example: A bar sells alcohol, but doesn't force anyone to drink. A bar isn't the cause of drunkeness, but it does "encourage" it. Just the same, "the system of dating can encourage the sinful desires of our hearts. No dating doesn't make us sin. And no, getting rid of it wouldn't solve all our problems in relationships. But it would be foolish to pretend that dating itself isn't at least part of the problem."
And as even the Christian world might have us think, self control in and of itself isn't the answer to all of our issues. Is the only mistake in a relationship giving into temptation? I would beg to differ. There's more to it than just outward self-control. Let me explain.
Josh says, "If we continue to date according to the system as it exists today, we'll more than likely swerve into trouble. Good intentions aren't enough."
He [Joshua Harris] presents 7 habits of highly defective dating [the following are all direct quotes from I Kissed Dating Goodbye]:
1. Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. One-on-one dating has the tendency to move a guy and a girl beyond friendship and toward romance too quickly. C.S. Lewis describes friendship as two people walking side by side toward a common goal, [not standing face to face, the goal being each other.] Intimacy without friendship is superficial.
2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love. The early introduction of physical affection adds confusion. Just because lips have met doesn't mean hearts have joined. A physical relationship doesn't equal love! Sadly, many couples guage the seriousness of their relationship by the level of their physical involvement. Focusing on the physical is plainly sinful. God demands sexual purity. He does it for our own good! Physical involvement can distort two people's perspective of each other and lead to unwise choices. He doesn't want us to live with guilt and regret. Physical involvement can make people feel close, but they will probably discover all they have in common is lust.
3. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. It's [just plain] not wise to isolate yourself from others. You put yourself in a precarious position if you isolate yourself from the people who love and support you because you dive wholeheartedly into a romantic relationship not grounded in commitment. If you don't invest time or effort to maintain friendships with others while in a dating relationship, you will find your ties to other friends severed.
4. Dating can distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. Being distracted by love is not such a bad thing - unless God wants you doing something else. Instead of serving in their local church and equipping themselves with the character, education, and experience necessary to succeed in life, many allow themselves to be consumed by the present needs that dating emphasizes. Maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time and energy. The energy many exert steals from other pursuits.
...hang in there, only 3 more to go...
5. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness. God gives us singleness - a season in our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning, and service - and we view it as a chance to get bogged down in finding and keeping boyfriends and girlfriends. We might be guilty of poor stewardship of our singleness when we allow a desire for something God obviously doesn't have for us yet [i.e. marriage] to rob our ability to enjoy and appreciate what He has given us. Dating causes people to focus on what they don't have.
6. Dating can create an artifical environment for evaluating another person's character. Dating creates an artifical environment that doesn't require a person to accurately portray his or her positive and negative characteristics. We need to see each other in the real-life settings of family and friends. We need to watch each other serving and working.
...and last but not least...
7. Dating often becomes an end in itself. Instead of acting as a bridge between friendship and marriage, dating becomes the destination - not ending but not moving on either [a limbo]. Sadly, many people find little motivation for commiting themselves to marriage.
Old Habits Die Hard
All these defects can not merely be solved by "dating right." Just because its a Christian relationship, doesn't mean it won't have faults or temptations or flaws. Even Christians that can avoid the major pitfalls of premarital sex and traumatic breakups often spend much of their energy wrestling with temptation.
So, hopefully now you see what kind of dating needs to put it's head between it's legs and kiss it's butt goodbye!
It's time for a new attitude...
So, why kiss dating goodbye? Good question, really. Simple answer? Yes and no. Let me explain (via Joshua Harris).
Recap: "Dating in and of itself isn't the cause of the problems we see in relationships. Sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships - it's our own wrong attitudes and values that make for defective dating."
Josh used this example: A bar sells alcohol, but doesn't force anyone to drink. A bar isn't the cause of drunkeness, but it does "encourage" it. Just the same, "the system of dating can encourage the sinful desires of our hearts. No dating doesn't make us sin. And no, getting rid of it wouldn't solve all our problems in relationships. But it would be foolish to pretend that dating itself isn't at least part of the problem."
And as even the Christian world might have us think, self control in and of itself isn't the answer to all of our issues. Is the only mistake in a relationship giving into temptation? I would beg to differ. There's more to it than just outward self-control. Let me explain.
Josh says, "If we continue to date according to the system as it exists today, we'll more than likely swerve into trouble. Good intentions aren't enough."
He [Joshua Harris] presents 7 habits of highly defective dating [the following are all direct quotes from I Kissed Dating Goodbye]:
1. Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. One-on-one dating has the tendency to move a guy and a girl beyond friendship and toward romance too quickly. C.S. Lewis describes friendship as two people walking side by side toward a common goal, [not standing face to face, the goal being each other.] Intimacy without friendship is superficial.
2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love. The early introduction of physical affection adds confusion. Just because lips have met doesn't mean hearts have joined. A physical relationship doesn't equal love! Sadly, many couples guage the seriousness of their relationship by the level of their physical involvement. Focusing on the physical is plainly sinful. God demands sexual purity. He does it for our own good! Physical involvement can distort two people's perspective of each other and lead to unwise choices. He doesn't want us to live with guilt and regret. Physical involvement can make people feel close, but they will probably discover all they have in common is lust.
3. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. It's [just plain] not wise to isolate yourself from others. You put yourself in a precarious position if you isolate yourself from the people who love and support you because you dive wholeheartedly into a romantic relationship not grounded in commitment. If you don't invest time or effort to maintain friendships with others while in a dating relationship, you will find your ties to other friends severed.
4. Dating can distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. Being distracted by love is not such a bad thing - unless God wants you doing something else. Instead of serving in their local church and equipping themselves with the character, education, and experience necessary to succeed in life, many allow themselves to be consumed by the present needs that dating emphasizes. Maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time and energy. The energy many exert steals from other pursuits.
...hang in there, only 3 more to go...
5. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness. God gives us singleness - a season in our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning, and service - and we view it as a chance to get bogged down in finding and keeping boyfriends and girlfriends. We might be guilty of poor stewardship of our singleness when we allow a desire for something God obviously doesn't have for us yet [i.e. marriage] to rob our ability to enjoy and appreciate what He has given us. Dating causes people to focus on what they don't have.
6. Dating can create an artifical environment for evaluating another person's character. Dating creates an artifical environment that doesn't require a person to accurately portray his or her positive and negative characteristics. We need to see each other in the real-life settings of family and friends. We need to watch each other serving and working.
...and last but not least...
7. Dating often becomes an end in itself. Instead of acting as a bridge between friendship and marriage, dating becomes the destination - not ending but not moving on either [a limbo]. Sadly, many people find little motivation for commiting themselves to marriage.
Old Habits Die Hard
All these defects can not merely be solved by "dating right." Just because its a Christian relationship, doesn't mean it won't have faults or temptations or flaws. Even Christians that can avoid the major pitfalls of premarital sex and traumatic breakups often spend much of their energy wrestling with temptation.
So, hopefully now you see what kind of dating needs to put it's head between it's legs and kiss it's butt goodbye!
It's time for a new attitude...
Too much icing, too little cake (2)
{This is post #2, so if you haven't read #1 - Too much, too soon - you might want to read that first.}
THE JOY OF INTIMACY IS THE REWARD OF COMMITMENT.
We've all wanted it, maybe even pursued it sinfully. Yes, I'm talking about intimacy, that feeling that we desire so much and often get impatient when we don't have it.
"Often we're pursuing intimacy for the sake of intimacy - two people getting close to each other without any real intention of making a long-term commitment," said Joshua Harris.
Guilty.
I'll say it again. The "Little Relationship Principle" is:
The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.
"You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing," said Josh.
Most of us are (or were) in the same boat that Josh described himself in as a teenager: wanting to enjoy romance before marriage, to become intimate and close with whomever we want, without even considering commitment.
"Romantic passion is sweetest when it's growing out of a relationship that's deepening in devotion," says Harris. He goes on to say, "In His [God's] plan, the personal benefits of an intimate relationsihp - emotional or sexual - are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to another person's long-term good."
DEFRAUD!
"Pursuing intimacy without commitment awakens desires - emotional and physical - that neither person can justly meet." That is defrauding, as described in 1 Thessalonians 4:6 (KJV). Pastor Stephen Olford describes defrauding as "arousing a hunger we cannot righteously satisfy."
"Intimacy without commitment, like icing without cake, can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick."
But this doesn't mean we ignore or neglect our relationships with the opposite sex. God tells us as Christians we have a built-in level of commitment to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ (1 Timothy 5:1-2). We're family!
Harris says, "The issue is whether the intimacy in your relationship is appropriate to your level of commitment."
So, if you gotten anything out of this, let it be that the joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.
THE JOY OF INTIMACY IS THE REWARD OF COMMITMENT.
We've all wanted it, maybe even pursued it sinfully. Yes, I'm talking about intimacy, that feeling that we desire so much and often get impatient when we don't have it.
"Often we're pursuing intimacy for the sake of intimacy - two people getting close to each other without any real intention of making a long-term commitment," said Joshua Harris.
Guilty.
I'll say it again. The "Little Relationship Principle" is:
The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.
"You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing," said Josh.
Most of us are (or were) in the same boat that Josh described himself in as a teenager: wanting to enjoy romance before marriage, to become intimate and close with whomever we want, without even considering commitment.
"Romantic passion is sweetest when it's growing out of a relationship that's deepening in devotion," says Harris. He goes on to say, "In His [God's] plan, the personal benefits of an intimate relationsihp - emotional or sexual - are always closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to another person's long-term good."
DEFRAUD!
"Pursuing intimacy without commitment awakens desires - emotional and physical - that neither person can justly meet." That is defrauding, as described in 1 Thessalonians 4:6 (KJV). Pastor Stephen Olford describes defrauding as "arousing a hunger we cannot righteously satisfy."
"Intimacy without commitment, like icing without cake, can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick."
But this doesn't mean we ignore or neglect our relationships with the opposite sex. God tells us as Christians we have a built-in level of commitment to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ (1 Timothy 5:1-2). We're family!
Harris says, "The issue is whether the intimacy in your relationship is appropriate to your level of commitment."
So, if you gotten anything out of this, let it be that the joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.
stay tuned for more...
Too much, too soon (1)
"Like many high school relationships, our romance was premature - too much, too soon," says author of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," Joshua Harris.
That, in essence, is the epitomy of high school relationships: too much, too soon (not to mention, too much, too soon that doesn't even need to happen!)
All us good, Christian teens know we need to keep our relationships pure, but that doesn't just mean sexually pure. While that is a huge part of purity, Josh Harris says, "God not only wants me to act differently [refrain from sexual immorality]; He wants me to think differently - to view love, purity, and singleness [yes, singleness!] from His perspective, to have a new lifestyle, and a new attitude."
He goes on to describe Christ's love for us [the church] as a model of what our relationships should look like: selfless! Not selfish, like most "dating" relationships in our world (many of which are too much, too soon), but selfless like a perfectly holy God sending His only Son to take away our sins, to make us white as snow. That is the ultimate example of what relationships should look like.
1 John 4:10-11 says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
"Because of that, relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about 'having a good time' or 'learning what I want in a relationship.' They're not to be about getting, but giving. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what's in his or her best interest. To care for him or here even when there's nothing it it for us. To want that person's purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her," says Josh.
Wow, take a moment and think about that. Powerful words right there.
He continues on and says, "I have no business asking for a girl's heart and exclusive affections if I'm not ready to consider marriage. Until I can do that, I'd only be using that girl to meet my short-term needs, not seeking to bless her for the long term."
I certainly don't want to be used, and [in application of the Golden Rule] don't want to use others!
"Before two people are married," says Josh, "love is expressed in self-control, patience, and even words left unsaid." Love is not expressed by sitting as close to each other as humanly possible or always holding hands or whispering sweet things in each other's ears. No, it's quite the opposite!
"When we make God's glory and other people's needs our priority, we position ourselves to receive the greatest joy in our lives as well," said Harris.
So, you know Josh Harris kissed dating goodbye, but maybe it seems to extreme to you. To make one thing clear, he doesn't suggest everyone completely stop dating. Some people are mature enough and have enough self-control, but let's be honest, we don't need to date, at least at my tender and young age of 15 (almost 16). I know I'm not ready for it. Take a hold of singleness while you still have it (this will come up later in the book, and in my blog).
"Everyone around us may be doing it. But at the end of our lives, we won't answer to everyone. We'll answer to God."
That, in essence, is the epitomy of high school relationships: too much, too soon (not to mention, too much, too soon that doesn't even need to happen!)
All us good, Christian teens know we need to keep our relationships pure, but that doesn't just mean sexually pure. While that is a huge part of purity, Josh Harris says, "God not only wants me to act differently [refrain from sexual immorality]; He wants me to think differently - to view love, purity, and singleness [yes, singleness!] from His perspective, to have a new lifestyle, and a new attitude."
He goes on to describe Christ's love for us [the church] as a model of what our relationships should look like: selfless! Not selfish, like most "dating" relationships in our world (many of which are too much, too soon), but selfless like a perfectly holy God sending His only Son to take away our sins, to make us white as snow. That is the ultimate example of what relationships should look like.
1 John 4:10-11 says, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
"Because of that, relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about 'having a good time' or 'learning what I want in a relationship.' They're not to be about getting, but giving. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what's in his or her best interest. To care for him or here even when there's nothing it it for us. To want that person's purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her," says Josh.
Wow, take a moment and think about that. Powerful words right there.
He continues on and says, "I have no business asking for a girl's heart and exclusive affections if I'm not ready to consider marriage. Until I can do that, I'd only be using that girl to meet my short-term needs, not seeking to bless her for the long term."
I certainly don't want to be used, and [in application of the Golden Rule] don't want to use others!
"Before two people are married," says Josh, "love is expressed in self-control, patience, and even words left unsaid." Love is not expressed by sitting as close to each other as humanly possible or always holding hands or whispering sweet things in each other's ears. No, it's quite the opposite!
"When we make God's glory and other people's needs our priority, we position ourselves to receive the greatest joy in our lives as well," said Harris.
So, you know Josh Harris kissed dating goodbye, but maybe it seems to extreme to you. To make one thing clear, he doesn't suggest everyone completely stop dating. Some people are mature enough and have enough self-control, but let's be honest, we don't need to date, at least at my tender and young age of 15 (almost 16). I know I'm not ready for it. Take a hold of singleness while you still have it (this will come up later in the book, and in my blog).
"Everyone around us may be doing it. But at the end of our lives, we won't answer to everyone. We'll answer to God."
Welcome!
My blog is titled, "When Cooties Disappear" because we all know they do at sometime, and it can throw us onto a crazy emotional rollercoaster. As a teenager, I've struggled with this, I am struggling with this, and I know I will struggle with this in the future, so I've recently begun my own personal study on a biblical view of Christian relationships. This started with the book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, and the purpose of this blog is to write specifically about a biblical view about Christian relationships (especially dating/guy-girl relationships).
You can think of this blog as a book review, but I'd rather you think of it as thoughts from a Christian teenager on this hectic time in our life that will change who we are for the future as well as my thoughts on the books I'm reading on this subject.
You can think of this blog as a book review, but I'd rather you think of it as thoughts from a Christian teenager on this hectic time in our life that will change who we are for the future as well as my thoughts on the books I'm reading on this subject.
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