A Clean Slate (9)

Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8) [See blog archive.]


(Please bear with me as my blogger acount is acting up a little bit. This post - and following posts - might not look as exciting becasue the font color isn't working. But trust me, the content will be just as exciting!)


So, I've discussed what's wrong with the world's way of dating, the new attitude we as Christians should have, and the topics of love and purity, but how do we get past our previous sinful actions that may have scarred us for good? See blog post, "Put It Behind You (8)." For now, we're moving on to the exciting journey of Christ-centered relationships!

We all know as Christians it's important to maintain godliness in all of our relationships. Building this new direction of purity in our lives may take some tearing down first. Josh gives 5 suggestions for building and maintaining a Godly lifestyle.


1. Start with a clean slate.

The first step is to repent of our sinful actions and attitudes. God demands repentance if we desire to please Him with all of our being (Acts 17:30). Joshua Harris describes repentance as "a change of direction based on a change of heart." And, he adds, "There is a [big] difference between a true change of heart and merely feeling sorry because of the consequences of sin."

2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."

"Worldly sorrow," says Harris, "is self-centered and leads to shame, but not to change. Godly sorry recognizes sin as an offense against God, turns to Christ for forgiveness, and leads to a transformed life."

Starting with a clean slate may mean ending a sinful relationshp. Breaking up is hard to do, I know, but it is sometimes necessary. "Continuing a wrong relationship only increases the pain when it finally does end. Have the courage to obey now. Obedience today will save you a lot of sorrow and regret tomorrow," says Josh.

Joshua Harris gives 2 suggestions for when you end a realationship.

First, really end it. Dn't leave any hint of possibly reuniting someday. Don't leave strings attached.

Second, agree to steer clear of each other for a while. That helps to end the relationship with finality so you aren't driven to feel old desires when you see that person again.

Starting with a clean slate may mean adjusting the focus of a relationship. If you feel that one of your friendships with someone of the opposite sex is getting a little more romantic than you want, or believe God wants, it's a good idea to refocus the relationship to keep it from heading in the wrong direction.

If you find it necessary to break up or readjust a relationship, make sure you do it humbly. Talk to the person and be honest with them. Express your desire to end or adjust the relationship for God's glory ultimately. Josh suggests not arguing with them to proove a point. If you've wronged the person, don't rationalize or make excuses. Just apologize.


2. Make your parents your teammates.

This new attitude toward relationships will need two things: wisdom and accountability, and often your parents are the best people to get that from. Harris says, and I must agree, "By hiding my romantic life from my parents, I cut myself off from a God-given source of wisdom that could have saved me from making so many mistakes." It will be necessary to choose to actively involve them and seek their wisdom. Let them know you desire and respect their wisdom and advice.

If you parents aren't around, or you don't have godly, trustworthy parents, it is absolutely essential you find an older adult in your church to keep you accountable, someone you know you can trust for guidance.


3. Establish clear guidlines.

You need to establish guidelines for your relationships with the opposite sex that are based on the wisdom of God's Word.

Think through the following questions, and others you may think of, with your parents or godly "support team."

What do you do when someone feels attracted to you, or vice versa?

How much time should you spend on the phone with someone of the opposite sex?

How much time should you spend together, even in group settings?

These questions aren't going to be easy to answer. Some of my personal suggestions to get you started are:

Make it your aim to not be alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex, especially for lengthy periods of time.

Try not to single the same person out or give someone too much attention in a group setting. Not to say you shouldn't foster a godly friendship with this person, but you also need other relationships.

Those are just a few. When you have good, protective guidelines for your relationships, it will be easier to stay on the course and direction of purity.


3. Check to see who's whispering in your ear.

For me, the "people" whispering in my ear are often romance novels, secular music, and chick-flicks, and sometimes even my friends who are obsessed with guys or the whold dating scene. These things can all encourage ungodly longings in me. They may be different for you, but they're probably on the same line.

"Whatever tempts you toward discontentment or compromise, don't put up with it. Tune it out. Turn it off," says Harris.

My own little blurb:

As soon as I read this section in the book, my mind went right to a popular series of romantic novels. These books used to be my favorite books just because of the main character - the seemingly perfect, protective, charming, handsome Edward Cullen. Yes, in the books he is all those things, which lead me to uncontentment in my life, and I think it affects many girls my age the same way. This is not to say that it's not fun or always wrong to read romance novels, but we've got to watch what affects us. I saw a "bumper sticker" that said, "Edward Cullen has ruined me for other men." It's true. We might never find someone "perfect" like that, and we shouldn't expect to. High expectations and longings like this lead to discontentment. So, my challenge to all you Twilight readers, don't make it your idol. Don't covet Bella Swan. Don't encourage fantasies that dwell on Edward, the perfect vampire. This isn't to say you shouldn't read the books (I personally enjoy them a lot), but don't make them the most important thing in your life.

End of little blurb by Kari. =)

Friends can also affect your thoughts very much. Be aware of this. Pray for those friends and love them with the selfless love of Christ.


5. Season your conviction with humility.

If you've taken the stand to kiss the world's way of dating goodbye, as I have, you'll have people asking questions. There are different ways to answer different people.

Josh suggests that for "limited acquaintances" - people you don't know too well - you don't need to dive into a discussion on dating. Just humbly state you don't date, or humbly answer their question without too much baggage. Don't make it overkill.

For established and ongoing friendships, there will be a different response. It is important to explain your convictions to your friends. They are essential for helping you on your road to purity. They will be able to respect, help, and work with your beliefs.

Whatever you do, when you explain, don't dive into a huge debate. Answering their simple questions or humbly explaining your convictions doesn't mean you need to convince your hearers of your view. In fact, when they see your humble attitude, they'll probably be more interested than if you jump on them about the seven habits of highly defective dating.



"Our key motive in communicating our beliefs about dating should be to serve others. We want to promote peace, love, and righteousness that will bring glory to God," says Harris.

We will get the people who just won't understand and will constantly nag us about it, possibly spread rumors, and talk behind our back, but the apostle Paul gives us an encouraging reminder:

1 Corinthians 4:12-13

"Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure, being defamed, we entreat."

A.W. Tozer once said, "Don't come down here and cry about it. Go home and live it!"

So, don't cry about past mistakes or how hard the future will be. Go and live it!