Thanks for sticking with me through my chapter-by-chapter study of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye."
There are still 2 more chapters in the book, but I've chosen not to blog about them, because they focus more on how to guide a relationship into matrimony.
I may be back later on for more "book reviews" of other books, but for now, I'm going to take a break and hopefully be updating my main blog: www.lyricalmasquerade.blogspot.com.
Blog posts included in my "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" series:
Welcome
Too Much, Too Soon (1)
Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2)
DEFECT! (3)
A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4)
Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5)
The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6)
Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7)
Put It Behind You (8)
A Clean Slate (9)
Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10)
Guard Your Heart (11)
Practice Makes Perfect (12)
Ready for the Sack but not the Sacrifice (13)
What Matters At 50? (14)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What Matters At 50? (14)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10), Guard Your Heart (11), Practice Makes Perfect (12), Ready for the Sack but not the Sacrifice (13) [See blog archive.]
You see a handsome guy or a beautiful girl from across the room. Immediately they attract your attention - and I mean ALL of your attention. But before you get caught up in their beauty, think of what they'll look like at age 50 (without any plastic surgery, etc.). I'm serious.
So obviously, it's not the looks that matter in the long run, because they'll obviously be changing. Character is what matters.
1 Samuel 16:7 says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30 reminds us, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
In this post I'm going to examine character qualities and attitudes we want to look for in a spouse, but we also need to continually be asking ourselves, "Am I cultivating these in my own life?" Josh Harris says, "We need to concentrate not only on finding the right person, but more important, on becoming the right person."
The two things we're going to examine are character and attitude.
So, first, character. Randy Alcorn writes, "Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching." Harris says a person's character can be defined by "the choices and decisions that person has made and makes each day."
William Davis writes, "Your reputation is learned in an hour, your character does not come to light for a year."
Harris gives us 3 "little acts" that can tell us more about a person:
1) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO GOD.
"A person's relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life," writes Harris. "When this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer."
Obviously, it is important for us as Christians not to even consider a non-Christian as a spouse. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Don't team up with those who are are unbelievers."
Harris goes on to say, "The question is not merely 'Are you and a potential spouse saved?' but rather 'Are both of you in love with Jesus Christ? Will you place Him before even each other?'"
David Powlison and John Yenchko write, "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy spouse."
Harris reminds us to not worry about impressing the opposite sex. "Strive to please and glorify God," he writes. "Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities."
2) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO OTHERS.
-Authorities.
Pay attention to how a potential spouse deals with authorities. Do they respect God-given authority? (Romans 13:1-7)
-Parents.
Some things to pay attention to:
> The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife.
> If he can't be loving and gentle with is mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?
> If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?
*And a reminder - cultivate attitudes of respect in your own life.
-The opposite sex.
Learn to distinguish between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. No one wants to marry a flirt!
-Companions.
Harris describes companions as "the people who influence and shape him or her." He goes on to say, "The way something treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends are."
3) PERSONAL DISCIPLINE.
"The things we do involuntarily reveal our character," says Harris.
*We need to note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits. Everyone has habits that others find annoying, but here we are looking at the sinful habits.*
-How does this person use his or her time? Are they lazy or are they productive in free time? Do they spend countless hours in front of the computer or are they continually looking for ways to serve?
-How does he or she handle money? Are they resonsible with their money or do they foolishly splurge? Will they be able to support you financially?
-Does he or she take care of their his or her body? This doesn't mean judge them about things they can't control such as height, hair color, facial features, and in some cases, weight.
First, how do they dress? Is it modestly? Are they preoccupied with being up-to-date with the latest styles?
Do they have disciplined, healthy eating and exercise habits? Are they maintinaing the health and condition of their body so that they can more effectively serve God?
The next thing is attitude. Harris gives us 4 attitudes we should look for:
1) AN ATTITUDE OF WILLING OBEDIENCE TO GOD.
Is their attitude like David's when he said, "I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands"(Psalm 119:60)?
Make sure they are consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God. Does he or she work to overcome bad habits? Etc...
*And again, it's important we develop these godly habits in our own lives, as well.*
2) AN ATTITUDE OF HUMILITY.
"An attitude of humility," says Harris, "considers others needs first."
Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Watch the small things. Watch how he reacts to teammates on the basketball court. Watch how she reacts when she loses a game. Etc...
An atttitude of humility is quick to confess sin, put others first, and seek forgiveness.
3) AN ATTITUDE OF INDUSTRIOUSNESS.
Harris describes an attitude of industriousness as "willingness to work hard at whatever task presents itself."
William Bennett writes, "Work... is not what we do for a living but what we do with our living... The opposite of work not leisure or play or having fun, but idleness - not investing ourselves in anything."
4) AN ATTITUDE OF CONTENTMENT AND HOPEFULNESS.
Harris says, "An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God - an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of the problems needing correction."
Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips?
Does he or she constantly nitpick at the faults of others instead of consistently encouraging?
Do they view their circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness or a confidence in God's faithfulness?
A reminder: Marriage requires faith in God's provision and a willingness to forgive imperfections.
You see a handsome guy or a beautiful girl from across the room. Immediately they attract your attention - and I mean ALL of your attention. But before you get caught up in their beauty, think of what they'll look like at age 50 (without any plastic surgery, etc.). I'm serious.
So obviously, it's not the looks that matter in the long run, because they'll obviously be changing. Character is what matters.
1 Samuel 16:7 says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30 reminds us, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
In this post I'm going to examine character qualities and attitudes we want to look for in a spouse, but we also need to continually be asking ourselves, "Am I cultivating these in my own life?" Josh Harris says, "We need to concentrate not only on finding the right person, but more important, on becoming the right person."
The two things we're going to examine are character and attitude.
So, first, character. Randy Alcorn writes, "Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching." Harris says a person's character can be defined by "the choices and decisions that person has made and makes each day."
William Davis writes, "Your reputation is learned in an hour, your character does not come to light for a year."
Harris gives us 3 "little acts" that can tell us more about a person:
1) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO GOD.
"A person's relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life," writes Harris. "When this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer."
Obviously, it is important for us as Christians not to even consider a non-Christian as a spouse. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Don't team up with those who are are unbelievers."
Harris goes on to say, "The question is not merely 'Are you and a potential spouse saved?' but rather 'Are both of you in love with Jesus Christ? Will you place Him before even each other?'"
David Powlison and John Yenchko write, "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy spouse."
Harris reminds us to not worry about impressing the opposite sex. "Strive to please and glorify God," he writes. "Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities."
2) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO OTHERS.
-Authorities.
Pay attention to how a potential spouse deals with authorities. Do they respect God-given authority? (Romans 13:1-7)
-Parents.
Some things to pay attention to:
> The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife.
> If he can't be loving and gentle with is mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?
> If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?
*And a reminder - cultivate attitudes of respect in your own life.
-The opposite sex.
Learn to distinguish between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. No one wants to marry a flirt!
-Companions.
Harris describes companions as "the people who influence and shape him or her." He goes on to say, "The way something treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends are."
3) PERSONAL DISCIPLINE.
"The things we do involuntarily reveal our character," says Harris.
*We need to note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits. Everyone has habits that others find annoying, but here we are looking at the sinful habits.*
-How does this person use his or her time? Are they lazy or are they productive in free time? Do they spend countless hours in front of the computer or are they continually looking for ways to serve?
-How does he or she handle money? Are they resonsible with their money or do they foolishly splurge? Will they be able to support you financially?
-Does he or she take care of their his or her body? This doesn't mean judge them about things they can't control such as height, hair color, facial features, and in some cases, weight.
First, how do they dress? Is it modestly? Are they preoccupied with being up-to-date with the latest styles?
Do they have disciplined, healthy eating and exercise habits? Are they maintinaing the health and condition of their body so that they can more effectively serve God?
The next thing is attitude. Harris gives us 4 attitudes we should look for:
1) AN ATTITUDE OF WILLING OBEDIENCE TO GOD.
Is their attitude like David's when he said, "I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands"(Psalm 119:60)?
Make sure they are consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God. Does he or she work to overcome bad habits? Etc...
*And again, it's important we develop these godly habits in our own lives, as well.*
2) AN ATTITUDE OF HUMILITY.
"An attitude of humility," says Harris, "considers others needs first."
Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
Watch the small things. Watch how he reacts to teammates on the basketball court. Watch how she reacts when she loses a game. Etc...
An atttitude of humility is quick to confess sin, put others first, and seek forgiveness.
3) AN ATTITUDE OF INDUSTRIOUSNESS.
Harris describes an attitude of industriousness as "willingness to work hard at whatever task presents itself."
William Bennett writes, "Work... is not what we do for a living but what we do with our living... The opposite of work not leisure or play or having fun, but idleness - not investing ourselves in anything."
4) AN ATTITUDE OF CONTENTMENT AND HOPEFULNESS.
Harris says, "An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God - an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of the problems needing correction."
Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips?
Does he or she constantly nitpick at the faults of others instead of consistently encouraging?
Do they view their circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness or a confidence in God's faithfulness?
A reminder: Marriage requires faith in God's provision and a willingness to forgive imperfections.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Ready for the Sack but not for the Sacrifice (13)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10), Guard Your Heart (11), Practice Makes Perfect (12) [See blog archive.]
Do you have an illusion of marriage?
Even as a teenager, I like to look at bridal magazines with my friends. We sometimes choose the dress we like best and pick out the prettiest engagement ring. We sit there dreaming about our big day.
Yes, it's fun. But marriage is not a perfect wedding. Marriage is a lifetime of commitment. A wedding is a time that marks the beginning of a journey of two people becoming one.
Do you think marriage will just be sex? Yes, that is a blessing God has placed in marriage, but it's more than that. Like I said, marriage is a lifetime of commitment, dedication, and devotion.
So, I dare to present to you the real and true unillusioned version of marriage. (Not that I have personal experience, but God's Word is clear on the topic.)
"Marriage is much more than a wedding ceremony," write Gary and Betsy Ricucci. "A wedding is an event, but a marriage is a state of being; it's a lifelong commitment to be developed and maintained."
Joshua Harris describes what our view of marriage should with four words: reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and soberly.
REVERENCE - A profound respect mingled with awe.
DISCRETION - Discernment or good judgment.
ADVISEDLY - To carefully consider.
SOBERLY - To be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice.
In Gary and Betsy Ricucci's book, "Love that Lasts" they answer the question "What is marriage?" Here, I'll briefly describe the answer.
MARRIAGE IS THE FIRST INSTITUTION.
Genesis 2:22-24
"And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
'This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.'
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
MARRIAGE DEPICTS THE SUPERNATURAL UNION BETWEEN JESUS AND THE CHURCH.
Ephesians 5:31-32
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."
MARRIAGE IS THE EVENT GOD HAS SELECTED TO CONSUMMATE ALL OF TIME.
Revelation 19:7
"Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;"
MARRIAGE IS TO BE HELD IN HONOR.
Hebrews 13:4
"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
MARRIAGE IS A REFINING PROCESS.
Harris says, "God wants to use the fire of marriage not only to comfort us, but also to refine and clease us from our selfishness and sin." He describes your spouse as a mirror. Once you get married, you will, through your spouse, see what's truly in your heart.
Harris leaves us with a poem called "A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop.
I encourage you to read it and think about it.
This section reminded me of a quote from the movie "27 Dresses."
Kevin says to Jane, "You want a wedding, not a marriage."
Do YOU simply want a wedding? Are you ready for the sack, but not the sacrifice?
Do you have an illusion of marriage?
Even as a teenager, I like to look at bridal magazines with my friends. We sometimes choose the dress we like best and pick out the prettiest engagement ring. We sit there dreaming about our big day.
Yes, it's fun. But marriage is not a perfect wedding. Marriage is a lifetime of commitment. A wedding is a time that marks the beginning of a journey of two people becoming one.
Do you think marriage will just be sex? Yes, that is a blessing God has placed in marriage, but it's more than that. Like I said, marriage is a lifetime of commitment, dedication, and devotion.
So, I dare to present to you the real and true unillusioned version of marriage. (Not that I have personal experience, but God's Word is clear on the topic.)
"Marriage is much more than a wedding ceremony," write Gary and Betsy Ricucci. "A wedding is an event, but a marriage is a state of being; it's a lifelong commitment to be developed and maintained."
Joshua Harris describes what our view of marriage should with four words: reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and soberly.
REVERENCE - A profound respect mingled with awe.
DISCRETION - Discernment or good judgment.
ADVISEDLY - To carefully consider.
SOBERLY - To be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice.
In Gary and Betsy Ricucci's book, "Love that Lasts" they answer the question "What is marriage?" Here, I'll briefly describe the answer.
MARRIAGE IS THE FIRST INSTITUTION.
Genesis 2:22-24
"And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
'This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.'
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
MARRIAGE DEPICTS THE SUPERNATURAL UNION BETWEEN JESUS AND THE CHURCH.
Ephesians 5:31-32
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."
MARRIAGE IS THE EVENT GOD HAS SELECTED TO CONSUMMATE ALL OF TIME.
Revelation 19:7
"Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;"
MARRIAGE IS TO BE HELD IN HONOR.
Hebrews 13:4
"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
MARRIAGE IS A REFINING PROCESS.
Harris says, "God wants to use the fire of marriage not only to comfort us, but also to refine and clease us from our selfishness and sin." He describes your spouse as a mirror. Once you get married, you will, through your spouse, see what's truly in your heart.
Harris leaves us with a poem called "A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop.
I encourage you to read it and think about it.
This section reminded me of a quote from the movie "27 Dresses."
Kevin says to Jane, "You want a wedding, not a marriage."
Do YOU simply want a wedding? Are you ready for the sack, but not the sacrifice?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Practice Makes Perfect (12)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10), Guard Your Heart (11)[See blog archive.]
As quoted by Joshua Harris: "If we aren't faithful and growing in the relationships we have now, we won't be prepared to pursue faithfulness and growth in marriage later."
... which means, practice now!... "We have to practice now what we want to be in the future."
Josh gives us 5 "topics" he suggests we should start practicing now to prepare for marriage.
PRACTICE INTIMACY
This kind of intimacy can start with committed relationships: our families. One way to do this is to make good communications skills with your parents and develop intimacy with your siblings. Think practically. Open up. Let your family in.
PRACTICE SEEKING GOD WITH OTHERS
Develop relaltionships with others in which you make God the center, including talking and opening up with each other, sharing what you've learned from the Word. When you're married, you'll want to be in the habit of seeking God with others so you can share that intimate experience and devotion with your spouse.
PRACTICE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Aka, be a good steward. Learn to budget your money. Save money. Tithe. Etc. Ask your parents or other godly men and woman to help you develop a plan to learn financial stewardship. Remember, when you're married you'll not only have to support yourself, but also a spouse, and someday a family.
PRACTICE PARENTHOOD
Start by volunteering to babysit for folks in your church. Spend time helping out a mother with lots of children. Learn from the parents and practice what you see so you develop habits to be a good parent. If you have a younger sibling, that's also a great way to learn.
PRACTICE PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS
This includes maintenance of the house, grocery shopping, planning meals, etc. Ask your parents to let you take over a job or two for a while. Volunteer to help out your parents with all the chores that need to be done. Sit down with a parent or mature, godly adult and talk about all the things that are necessary to keep a house running, and get started today!
Carpe Diem, my friends! Redeem the time!
As quoted by Joshua Harris: "If we aren't faithful and growing in the relationships we have now, we won't be prepared to pursue faithfulness and growth in marriage later."
... which means, practice now!... "We have to practice now what we want to be in the future."
Josh gives us 5 "topics" he suggests we should start practicing now to prepare for marriage.
PRACTICE INTIMACY
This kind of intimacy can start with committed relationships: our families. One way to do this is to make good communications skills with your parents and develop intimacy with your siblings. Think practically. Open up. Let your family in.
PRACTICE SEEKING GOD WITH OTHERS
Develop relaltionships with others in which you make God the center, including talking and opening up with each other, sharing what you've learned from the Word. When you're married, you'll want to be in the habit of seeking God with others so you can share that intimate experience and devotion with your spouse.
PRACTICE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
Aka, be a good steward. Learn to budget your money. Save money. Tithe. Etc. Ask your parents or other godly men and woman to help you develop a plan to learn financial stewardship. Remember, when you're married you'll not only have to support yourself, but also a spouse, and someday a family.
PRACTICE PARENTHOOD
Start by volunteering to babysit for folks in your church. Spend time helping out a mother with lots of children. Learn from the parents and practice what you see so you develop habits to be a good parent. If you have a younger sibling, that's also a great way to learn.
PRACTICE PRACTICAL LIFE SKILLS
This includes maintenance of the house, grocery shopping, planning meals, etc. Ask your parents to let you take over a job or two for a while. Volunteer to help out your parents with all the chores that need to be done. Sit down with a parent or mature, godly adult and talk about all the things that are necessary to keep a house running, and get started today!
Carpe Diem, my friends! Redeem the time!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Guard Your Heart (11)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10) [See blog archive.]
"The human heart doesn't like taking orders from the mind...The sooner we get acquainted with the contents of our hearts, the better...If we'd really examine our hearts, we'd find lies, selfishness, lust, envy, and pride," begins Joshua Harris.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things... Who can understand it?"
Guarding our hearts means protecting ourselves from our heart's sinfulness. Our heart is so deceitful that something can "feel" right and be completely wrong. Do whatever it takes to guard your heart and keep it in submission to God.
Proberbs 4:23 describes our heart as the "wellspring of life." Joshua Harris reminds us, "If we fail to keep our hearts clean, the rest of our life will stagnate and become dirty.
So, what do we specifically need to guard our hearts from? What are the pollutants?
1 John 2:15-16 warns us, "Do not love the world or anything in the world...For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world."
"These 'pollutants' specifically manifest themselves in relationships as infatuation, lust, and self-pity," says Harris. We'll examine all three more closely:
INFATUATION
The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes infatuation as, "To cause to be foolish; deprive of sound judgment; to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration."
Josh warns us, "Any time we allow someone to displace God as the focus of our affection, we've moved from innocent appreciation of someone's beauty or personality to the dangerous realm of infatuation."
Often we become infatuated because we think that a human relationship will fully satisfy our every desire...WRONG! "When we place God in His rightful place in our lives, we don't struggle so much when human relationships let us down," Harris comments.
A way to avoid infatuation is not to feed attraction. "Attraction only grows into infatuation when we pamper it," states Josh. This applies itself practically by not letting your mind wander or fantasize about this person before it's appropriate. Don't encourage friends' attractions by giggling about them all night long, and vice versa, for yourself. Do whatever it takes to stop infatuation, to not feed the attraction.
LUST
Josh begins by telling us, "To fight lust in our lives, we have to detest it with the same intensity God does."
Something that really stuck out to me was a simple reminder of how much I hate homosexual lust. It is so disgusting, do you not agree? Well guess what? God hates a man's lust for a woman, or vice versa (heterosexual) just as much as He (and we) hate homosexual lust! Something the think about, eh?
We need to ask ourselves if we are as repulsed by lust in our lives as we are by lust in others.
Beilby Proteus writes, "What we are afraid to do before men, we should be afraid to think before God."
To make it practical, we need to avoid things that encourage wrong desire. It's different for each person. It might mean throwing away romance novels, not watching soap operas, or playing seductive video games. Whatever it is in your life, find it, and toss it out!
Josh reminds us, "When we evaluate our lives honestly enough to recognize our own lust and see the sorrow it causes God, we'll want to destroy lust... before it destroys us."
SELF-PITY
Harris describes self-pity as a worship of our circumstances... indulging in feeling sorry for ourselves.
If you consider giving up dating up a sacrifice, don't sigh over what you've chosen to "give up." That selfish, self-focused sacrifice doesn't impress God. Ultimately, not dating isn't a sacrifice. It's obedience if you understand it the way I do. Obeying Him with joy does please Him!
Josh warns us, "Stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people." I once heard it said that as Christians we should never have a "bad day" because everyday we have our never-failing God who provides our salvation!
Also, get your focus of your "needs," and help meet someone else's.
Next, see your feelings of lonliness as God drawing you closer to Him. Really, we're never alone and we should be satisfied in God.
1 John 3:20 gives us hope, "For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." Awesome!
"The human heart doesn't like taking orders from the mind...The sooner we get acquainted with the contents of our hearts, the better...If we'd really examine our hearts, we'd find lies, selfishness, lust, envy, and pride," begins Joshua Harris.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things... Who can understand it?"
Guarding our hearts means protecting ourselves from our heart's sinfulness. Our heart is so deceitful that something can "feel" right and be completely wrong. Do whatever it takes to guard your heart and keep it in submission to God.
Proberbs 4:23 describes our heart as the "wellspring of life." Joshua Harris reminds us, "If we fail to keep our hearts clean, the rest of our life will stagnate and become dirty.
So, what do we specifically need to guard our hearts from? What are the pollutants?
1 John 2:15-16 warns us, "Do not love the world or anything in the world...For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world."
"These 'pollutants' specifically manifest themselves in relationships as infatuation, lust, and self-pity," says Harris. We'll examine all three more closely:
INFATUATION
The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes infatuation as, "To cause to be foolish; deprive of sound judgment; to inspire with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration."
Josh warns us, "Any time we allow someone to displace God as the focus of our affection, we've moved from innocent appreciation of someone's beauty or personality to the dangerous realm of infatuation."
Often we become infatuated because we think that a human relationship will fully satisfy our every desire...WRONG! "When we place God in His rightful place in our lives, we don't struggle so much when human relationships let us down," Harris comments.
A way to avoid infatuation is not to feed attraction. "Attraction only grows into infatuation when we pamper it," states Josh. This applies itself practically by not letting your mind wander or fantasize about this person before it's appropriate. Don't encourage friends' attractions by giggling about them all night long, and vice versa, for yourself. Do whatever it takes to stop infatuation, to not feed the attraction.
LUST
Josh begins by telling us, "To fight lust in our lives, we have to detest it with the same intensity God does."
Something that really stuck out to me was a simple reminder of how much I hate homosexual lust. It is so disgusting, do you not agree? Well guess what? God hates a man's lust for a woman, or vice versa (heterosexual) just as much as He (and we) hate homosexual lust! Something the think about, eh?
We need to ask ourselves if we are as repulsed by lust in our lives as we are by lust in others.
Beilby Proteus writes, "What we are afraid to do before men, we should be afraid to think before God."
To make it practical, we need to avoid things that encourage wrong desire. It's different for each person. It might mean throwing away romance novels, not watching soap operas, or playing seductive video games. Whatever it is in your life, find it, and toss it out!
Josh reminds us, "When we evaluate our lives honestly enough to recognize our own lust and see the sorrow it causes God, we'll want to destroy lust... before it destroys us."
SELF-PITY
Harris describes self-pity as a worship of our circumstances... indulging in feeling sorry for ourselves.
If you consider giving up dating up a sacrifice, don't sigh over what you've chosen to "give up." That selfish, self-focused sacrifice doesn't impress God. Ultimately, not dating isn't a sacrifice. It's obedience if you understand it the way I do. Obeying Him with joy does please Him!
Josh warns us, "Stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people." I once heard it said that as Christians we should never have a "bad day" because everyday we have our never-failing God who provides our salvation!
Also, get your focus of your "needs," and help meet someone else's.
Next, see your feelings of lonliness as God drawing you closer to Him. Really, we're never alone and we should be satisfied in God.
1 John 3:20 gives us hope, "For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." Awesome!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9) [See blog archive.]
You meet someone of the opposite sex. He or she really catches your eye.
Uh-oh.
Then you get to know this person, and you find out he or she has a great personality as well.
Double uh-oh.
To top it all off, this person sends you that "I'd like to get to know you better" vibe.
Major uh-oh.
If you've put romance on hold until you're ready for marraige, what do you do in a situation like this? The simple answer is to be just friends. Easy, right? Not quite.
"Being 'just friends' is just plain confusing," says Joshua Harris. Ha. No kidding.
In the beginning of this chapter, Harris presents a couple personal experiences that help with understanding how "just friends" can turn into "just a crazy, confusing rollercoaster." I'm sure you've been there, so I'm just going to skip to the meat of this chapter. As always, I encourage you to read the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, for yourself.
As brothers and sisters in Christ, we were born into this relationship. Elisabeth Elliot says, "The relationship between Christian brothers and sisters is not something we create. It's already established. We are members of one another. We are related." Christian friendship has God's glory as it's goal! These friendships are characterized by biblical fellowship, affection, and genuine care.
BIBLICAL FELLOWSHIP
We shouldn't be satisfied with superficial friendships that reflects meaningless TV sitcom conversations. Our passion shouldn't be to appear to be witty, but to grow in godliness. It should be all about discussing and sharing what God is teaching us and doing in us. So, Christian friends share their lives with each other.
AFFECTION
Romans 12:10 says, "Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."
"It's important to be consistent. Don't show kindness only to those people you have a romantic interest in. Instead show kindness to all your brothers and sisters. This isn't flirting for the purpose of stirring romantic interest in someone; it's showing Christlike brotherly love," says Josh.
GENUINE CARE
Have a genuine desire for the other person's spiritual growth. Make it a priority to encourage them, and also gently rebuke when you see them in a pattern of sin. You'd want them to do that for you, wouldn't you? Let this lifestyle be driven by a genuine care for that person's spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being.
SIDE-BY-SIDE
Look for ways to serve each other.
"They [brother's and sister's in Christ] stand against wickedness together, they seek God together, they honor one another, and grow in grace side by side," says Harris.
Josh Harris presents 4 important steps involved in maintaining healthy friendships with the opposite sex:
1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.
C.S. Lewis once wrote, "We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead."
The important part to make the friendship work is to have a common goal or interest outside of each other. This could be an athletic pursuit, hobby, faith, or music... something outside of each other. As soon as the people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship. This isn't to say that we shouldn't try to grow the friendship, but that shouldn't be our primary focus. In a Christian friendship, ultimately the desire outside ourselves in every relationship should be to honor God. Find practical ways that you and your friend of the opposite sex can do that.
2. Be inclusive, not exclusive.
Obviously, this means involving other people, doing things in groups. But don't just have other people tag along so you officially have a "group." Josh describes that as "inclusion for the sake of appearances."
"Instead," he says, "inclusion must stem from a sincere desire to involve as many people as possible."
If you find yourself not wanting to involve others, you need to ask yourself if friendship is the real motive of the relationship. If it's not, some changes need to take place.
3. Make a priority of same-sex friendships.
One woman once told Josh Haris why she thought some females find friendships with males easier: "When your friends are guys, they give you attention that girls don't offer. And becaue girls know how other girls think - how we can play games - it's sometimes easier to be friends with guys. You can get away with not being as real." Honestly, it's true sometimes. Sure, not all the time, but sometimes.
If we avoid or neglect same-sex friendships we're being lazy or selfish by avoiding these relationships that could cause us to grow in character.
If you don't include same-sex friends, it's not a wise decision for the future. When you get married, it won't be appropriate (or appreciated by your spouse) to have lots of close friends of the opposite sex. Same-sex friendships are an important source of encouragement, counsel, perspective, and accountability.
4. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained.
"A friendship based on this self-serving, pleasure-seeking mindset can easily slip into a similarly self-serving romantic relationship that meets the needs of the moment," says Harris.
Our friendships should shift from a focus on ourselves, on how we can be entertained, to a focus on who we can serve. In this servant-hearted mindset we'll get to know our friends in a much deeper way than if we were sitting side by side in a movie theater.
But, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we can't ever seek entertainment, but we should seek to serve first. "Produce before you consume; serve before you seek entertainment," says Josh.
Romans 12:10-11
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."
Being just friends can sound just complicated and just plain confusing, but if you follow Romans 12:10-11 it can be just plain awesome.
You meet someone of the opposite sex. He or she really catches your eye.
Uh-oh.
Then you get to know this person, and you find out he or she has a great personality as well.
Double uh-oh.
To top it all off, this person sends you that "I'd like to get to know you better" vibe.
Major uh-oh.
If you've put romance on hold until you're ready for marraige, what do you do in a situation like this? The simple answer is to be just friends. Easy, right? Not quite.
"Being 'just friends' is just plain confusing," says Joshua Harris. Ha. No kidding.
In the beginning of this chapter, Harris presents a couple personal experiences that help with understanding how "just friends" can turn into "just a crazy, confusing rollercoaster." I'm sure you've been there, so I'm just going to skip to the meat of this chapter. As always, I encourage you to read the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, for yourself.
As brothers and sisters in Christ, we were born into this relationship. Elisabeth Elliot says, "The relationship between Christian brothers and sisters is not something we create. It's already established. We are members of one another. We are related." Christian friendship has God's glory as it's goal! These friendships are characterized by biblical fellowship, affection, and genuine care.
BIBLICAL FELLOWSHIP
We shouldn't be satisfied with superficial friendships that reflects meaningless TV sitcom conversations. Our passion shouldn't be to appear to be witty, but to grow in godliness. It should be all about discussing and sharing what God is teaching us and doing in us. So, Christian friends share their lives with each other.
AFFECTION
Romans 12:10 says, "Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."
"It's important to be consistent. Don't show kindness only to those people you have a romantic interest in. Instead show kindness to all your brothers and sisters. This isn't flirting for the purpose of stirring romantic interest in someone; it's showing Christlike brotherly love," says Josh.
GENUINE CARE
Have a genuine desire for the other person's spiritual growth. Make it a priority to encourage them, and also gently rebuke when you see them in a pattern of sin. You'd want them to do that for you, wouldn't you? Let this lifestyle be driven by a genuine care for that person's spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being.
SIDE-BY-SIDE
Look for ways to serve each other.
"They [brother's and sister's in Christ] stand against wickedness together, they seek God together, they honor one another, and grow in grace side by side," says Harris.
Josh Harris presents 4 important steps involved in maintaining healthy friendships with the opposite sex:
1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.
C.S. Lewis once wrote, "We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead."
The important part to make the friendship work is to have a common goal or interest outside of each other. This could be an athletic pursuit, hobby, faith, or music... something outside of each other. As soon as the people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship. This isn't to say that we shouldn't try to grow the friendship, but that shouldn't be our primary focus. In a Christian friendship, ultimately the desire outside ourselves in every relationship should be to honor God. Find practical ways that you and your friend of the opposite sex can do that.
2. Be inclusive, not exclusive.
Obviously, this means involving other people, doing things in groups. But don't just have other people tag along so you officially have a "group." Josh describes that as "inclusion for the sake of appearances."
"Instead," he says, "inclusion must stem from a sincere desire to involve as many people as possible."
If you find yourself not wanting to involve others, you need to ask yourself if friendship is the real motive of the relationship. If it's not, some changes need to take place.
3. Make a priority of same-sex friendships.
One woman once told Josh Haris why she thought some females find friendships with males easier: "When your friends are guys, they give you attention that girls don't offer. And becaue girls know how other girls think - how we can play games - it's sometimes easier to be friends with guys. You can get away with not being as real." Honestly, it's true sometimes. Sure, not all the time, but sometimes.
If we avoid or neglect same-sex friendships we're being lazy or selfish by avoiding these relationships that could cause us to grow in character.
If you don't include same-sex friends, it's not a wise decision for the future. When you get married, it won't be appropriate (or appreciated by your spouse) to have lots of close friends of the opposite sex. Same-sex friendships are an important source of encouragement, counsel, perspective, and accountability.
4. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained.
"A friendship based on this self-serving, pleasure-seeking mindset can easily slip into a similarly self-serving romantic relationship that meets the needs of the moment," says Harris.
Our friendships should shift from a focus on ourselves, on how we can be entertained, to a focus on who we can serve. In this servant-hearted mindset we'll get to know our friends in a much deeper way than if we were sitting side by side in a movie theater.
But, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we can't ever seek entertainment, but we should seek to serve first. "Produce before you consume; serve before you seek entertainment," says Josh.
Romans 12:10-11
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."
Being just friends can sound just complicated and just plain confusing, but if you follow Romans 12:10-11 it can be just plain awesome.
Friday, August 1, 2008
A Clean Slate (9)
Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8) [See blog archive.]
(Please bear with me as my blogger acount is acting up a little bit. This post - and following posts - might not look as exciting becasue the font color isn't working. But trust me, the content will be just as exciting!)
So, I've discussed what's wrong with the world's way of dating, the new attitude we as Christians should have, and the topics of love and purity, but how do we get past our previous sinful actions that may have scarred us for good? See blog post, "Put It Behind You (8)." For now, we're moving on to the exciting journey of Christ-centered relationships!
We all know as Christians it's important to maintain godliness in all of our relationships. Building this new direction of purity in our lives may take some tearing down first. Josh gives 5 suggestions for building and maintaining a Godly lifestyle.
1. Start with a clean slate.
The first step is to repent of our sinful actions and attitudes. God demands repentance if we desire to please Him with all of our being (Acts 17:30). Joshua Harris describes repentance as "a change of direction based on a change of heart." And, he adds, "There is a [big] difference between a true change of heart and merely feeling sorry because of the consequences of sin."
2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
"Worldly sorrow," says Harris, "is self-centered and leads to shame, but not to change. Godly sorry recognizes sin as an offense against God, turns to Christ for forgiveness, and leads to a transformed life."
Starting with a clean slate may mean ending a sinful relationshp. Breaking up is hard to do, I know, but it is sometimes necessary. "Continuing a wrong relationship only increases the pain when it finally does end. Have the courage to obey now. Obedience today will save you a lot of sorrow and regret tomorrow," says Josh.
Joshua Harris gives 2 suggestions for when you end a realationship.
First, really end it. Dn't leave any hint of possibly reuniting someday. Don't leave strings attached.
Second, agree to steer clear of each other for a while. That helps to end the relationship with finality so you aren't driven to feel old desires when you see that person again.
Starting with a clean slate may mean adjusting the focus of a relationship. If you feel that one of your friendships with someone of the opposite sex is getting a little more romantic than you want, or believe God wants, it's a good idea to refocus the relationship to keep it from heading in the wrong direction.
If you find it necessary to break up or readjust a relationship, make sure you do it humbly. Talk to the person and be honest with them. Express your desire to end or adjust the relationship for God's glory ultimately. Josh suggests not arguing with them to proove a point. If you've wronged the person, don't rationalize or make excuses. Just apologize.
2. Make your parents your teammates.
This new attitude toward relationships will need two things: wisdom and accountability, and often your parents are the best people to get that from. Harris says, and I must agree, "By hiding my romantic life from my parents, I cut myself off from a God-given source of wisdom that could have saved me from making so many mistakes." It will be necessary to choose to actively involve them and seek their wisdom. Let them know you desire and respect their wisdom and advice.
If you parents aren't around, or you don't have godly, trustworthy parents, it is absolutely essential you find an older adult in your church to keep you accountable, someone you know you can trust for guidance.
3. Establish clear guidlines.
You need to establish guidelines for your relationships with the opposite sex that are based on the wisdom of God's Word.
Think through the following questions, and others you may think of, with your parents or godly "support team."
What do you do when someone feels attracted to you, or vice versa?
How much time should you spend on the phone with someone of the opposite sex?
How much time should you spend together, even in group settings?
These questions aren't going to be easy to answer. Some of my personal suggestions to get you started are:
Make it your aim to not be alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex, especially for lengthy periods of time.
Try not to single the same person out or give someone too much attention in a group setting. Not to say you shouldn't foster a godly friendship with this person, but you also need other relationships.
Those are just a few. When you have good, protective guidelines for your relationships, it will be easier to stay on the course and direction of purity.
3. Check to see who's whispering in your ear.
For me, the "people" whispering in my ear are often romance novels, secular music, and chick-flicks, and sometimes even my friends who are obsessed with guys or the whold dating scene. These things can all encourage ungodly longings in me. They may be different for you, but they're probably on the same line.
"Whatever tempts you toward discontentment or compromise, don't put up with it. Tune it out. Turn it off," says Harris.
My own little blurb:
As soon as I read this section in the book, my mind went right to a popular series of romantic novels. These books used to be my favorite books just because of the main character - the seemingly perfect, protective, charming, handsome Edward Cullen. Yes, in the books he is all those things, which lead me to uncontentment in my life, and I think it affects many girls my age the same way. This is not to say that it's not fun or always wrong to read romance novels, but we've got to watch what affects us. I saw a "bumper sticker" that said, "Edward Cullen has ruined me for other men." It's true. We might never find someone "perfect" like that, and we shouldn't expect to. High expectations and longings like this lead to discontentment. So, my challenge to all you Twilight readers, don't make it your idol. Don't covet Bella Swan. Don't encourage fantasies that dwell on Edward, the perfect vampire. This isn't to say you shouldn't read the books (I personally enjoy them a lot), but don't make them the most important thing in your life.
End of little blurb by Kari. =)
Friends can also affect your thoughts very much. Be aware of this. Pray for those friends and love them with the selfless love of Christ.
5. Season your conviction with humility.
If you've taken the stand to kiss the world's way of dating goodbye, as I have, you'll have people asking questions. There are different ways to answer different people.
Josh suggests that for "limited acquaintances" - people you don't know too well - you don't need to dive into a discussion on dating. Just humbly state you don't date, or humbly answer their question without too much baggage. Don't make it overkill.
For established and ongoing friendships, there will be a different response. It is important to explain your convictions to your friends. They are essential for helping you on your road to purity. They will be able to respect, help, and work with your beliefs.
Whatever you do, when you explain, don't dive into a huge debate. Answering their simple questions or humbly explaining your convictions doesn't mean you need to convince your hearers of your view. In fact, when they see your humble attitude, they'll probably be more interested than if you jump on them about the seven habits of highly defective dating.
"Our key motive in communicating our beliefs about dating should be to serve others. We want to promote peace, love, and righteousness that will bring glory to God," says Harris.
We will get the people who just won't understand and will constantly nag us about it, possibly spread rumors, and talk behind our back, but the apostle Paul gives us an encouraging reminder:
1 Corinthians 4:12-13
"Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure, being defamed, we entreat."
A.W. Tozer once said, "Don't come down here and cry about it. Go home and live it!"
So, don't cry about past mistakes or how hard the future will be. Go and live it!
(Please bear with me as my blogger acount is acting up a little bit. This post - and following posts - might not look as exciting becasue the font color isn't working. But trust me, the content will be just as exciting!)
So, I've discussed what's wrong with the world's way of dating, the new attitude we as Christians should have, and the topics of love and purity, but how do we get past our previous sinful actions that may have scarred us for good? See blog post, "Put It Behind You (8)." For now, we're moving on to the exciting journey of Christ-centered relationships!
We all know as Christians it's important to maintain godliness in all of our relationships. Building this new direction of purity in our lives may take some tearing down first. Josh gives 5 suggestions for building and maintaining a Godly lifestyle.
1. Start with a clean slate.
The first step is to repent of our sinful actions and attitudes. God demands repentance if we desire to please Him with all of our being (Acts 17:30). Joshua Harris describes repentance as "a change of direction based on a change of heart." And, he adds, "There is a [big] difference between a true change of heart and merely feeling sorry because of the consequences of sin."
2 Corinthians 7:10 says, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death."
"Worldly sorrow," says Harris, "is self-centered and leads to shame, but not to change. Godly sorry recognizes sin as an offense against God, turns to Christ for forgiveness, and leads to a transformed life."
Starting with a clean slate may mean ending a sinful relationshp. Breaking up is hard to do, I know, but it is sometimes necessary. "Continuing a wrong relationship only increases the pain when it finally does end. Have the courage to obey now. Obedience today will save you a lot of sorrow and regret tomorrow," says Josh.
Joshua Harris gives 2 suggestions for when you end a realationship.
First, really end it. Dn't leave any hint of possibly reuniting someday. Don't leave strings attached.
Second, agree to steer clear of each other for a while. That helps to end the relationship with finality so you aren't driven to feel old desires when you see that person again.
Starting with a clean slate may mean adjusting the focus of a relationship. If you feel that one of your friendships with someone of the opposite sex is getting a little more romantic than you want, or believe God wants, it's a good idea to refocus the relationship to keep it from heading in the wrong direction.
If you find it necessary to break up or readjust a relationship, make sure you do it humbly. Talk to the person and be honest with them. Express your desire to end or adjust the relationship for God's glory ultimately. Josh suggests not arguing with them to proove a point. If you've wronged the person, don't rationalize or make excuses. Just apologize.
2. Make your parents your teammates.
This new attitude toward relationships will need two things: wisdom and accountability, and often your parents are the best people to get that from. Harris says, and I must agree, "By hiding my romantic life from my parents, I cut myself off from a God-given source of wisdom that could have saved me from making so many mistakes." It will be necessary to choose to actively involve them and seek their wisdom. Let them know you desire and respect their wisdom and advice.
If you parents aren't around, or you don't have godly, trustworthy parents, it is absolutely essential you find an older adult in your church to keep you accountable, someone you know you can trust for guidance.
3. Establish clear guidlines.
You need to establish guidelines for your relationships with the opposite sex that are based on the wisdom of God's Word.
Think through the following questions, and others you may think of, with your parents or godly "support team."
What do you do when someone feels attracted to you, or vice versa?
How much time should you spend on the phone with someone of the opposite sex?
How much time should you spend together, even in group settings?
These questions aren't going to be easy to answer. Some of my personal suggestions to get you started are:
Make it your aim to not be alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex, especially for lengthy periods of time.
Try not to single the same person out or give someone too much attention in a group setting. Not to say you shouldn't foster a godly friendship with this person, but you also need other relationships.
Those are just a few. When you have good, protective guidelines for your relationships, it will be easier to stay on the course and direction of purity.
3. Check to see who's whispering in your ear.
For me, the "people" whispering in my ear are often romance novels, secular music, and chick-flicks, and sometimes even my friends who are obsessed with guys or the whold dating scene. These things can all encourage ungodly longings in me. They may be different for you, but they're probably on the same line.
"Whatever tempts you toward discontentment or compromise, don't put up with it. Tune it out. Turn it off," says Harris.
My own little blurb:
As soon as I read this section in the book, my mind went right to a popular series of romantic novels. These books used to be my favorite books just because of the main character - the seemingly perfect, protective, charming, handsome Edward Cullen. Yes, in the books he is all those things, which lead me to uncontentment in my life, and I think it affects many girls my age the same way. This is not to say that it's not fun or always wrong to read romance novels, but we've got to watch what affects us. I saw a "bumper sticker" that said, "Edward Cullen has ruined me for other men." It's true. We might never find someone "perfect" like that, and we shouldn't expect to. High expectations and longings like this lead to discontentment. So, my challenge to all you Twilight readers, don't make it your idol. Don't covet Bella Swan. Don't encourage fantasies that dwell on Edward, the perfect vampire. This isn't to say you shouldn't read the books (I personally enjoy them a lot), but don't make them the most important thing in your life.
End of little blurb by Kari. =)
Friends can also affect your thoughts very much. Be aware of this. Pray for those friends and love them with the selfless love of Christ.
5. Season your conviction with humility.
If you've taken the stand to kiss the world's way of dating goodbye, as I have, you'll have people asking questions. There are different ways to answer different people.
Josh suggests that for "limited acquaintances" - people you don't know too well - you don't need to dive into a discussion on dating. Just humbly state you don't date, or humbly answer their question without too much baggage. Don't make it overkill.
For established and ongoing friendships, there will be a different response. It is important to explain your convictions to your friends. They are essential for helping you on your road to purity. They will be able to respect, help, and work with your beliefs.
Whatever you do, when you explain, don't dive into a huge debate. Answering their simple questions or humbly explaining your convictions doesn't mean you need to convince your hearers of your view. In fact, when they see your humble attitude, they'll probably be more interested than if you jump on them about the seven habits of highly defective dating.
"Our key motive in communicating our beliefs about dating should be to serve others. We want to promote peace, love, and righteousness that will bring glory to God," says Harris.
We will get the people who just won't understand and will constantly nag us about it, possibly spread rumors, and talk behind our back, but the apostle Paul gives us an encouraging reminder:
1 Corinthians 4:12-13
"Being reviled, we bless; being persecuted, we endure, being defamed, we entreat."
A.W. Tozer once said, "Don't come down here and cry about it. Go home and live it!"
So, don't cry about past mistakes or how hard the future will be. Go and live it!
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