What Matters At 50? (14)

Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9), Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10), Guard Your Heart (11), Practice Makes Perfect (12), Ready for the Sack but not the Sacrifice (13) [See blog archive.]


You see a handsome guy or a beautiful girl from across the room. Immediately they attract your attention - and I mean ALL of your attention. But before you get caught up in their beauty, think of what they'll look like at age 50 (without any plastic surgery, etc.). I'm serious.

So obviously, it's not the looks that matter in the long run, because they'll obviously be changing. Character is what matters.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Proverbs 31:30 reminds us, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

In this post I'm going to examine character qualities and attitudes we want to look for in a spouse, but we also need to continually be asking ourselves, "Am I cultivating these in my own life?" Josh Harris says, "We need to concentrate not only on finding the right person, but more important, on becoming the right person."

The two things we're going to examine are character and attitude.

So, first, character. Randy Alcorn writes, "Character is what you are in the dark when no one but God is watching." Harris says a person's character can be defined by "the choices and decisions that person has made and makes each day."

William Davis writes, "Your reputation is learned in an hour, your character does not come to light for a year."

Harris gives us 3 "little acts" that can tell us more about a person:

1) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO GOD.

"A person's relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life," writes Harris. "When this relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer."

Obviously, it is important for us as Christians not to even consider a non-Christian as a spouse. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Don't team up with those who are are unbelievers."

Harris goes on to say, "The question is not merely 'Are you and a potential spouse saved?' but rather 'Are both of you in love with Jesus Christ? Will you place Him before even each other?'"

David Powlison and John Yenchko write, "If you love and want your spouse more than anything, you will end up selfish, fearful, bitter, or disillusioned. If you love Jesus more than anything else, you will really love and enjoy spouse."

Harris reminds us to not worry about impressing the opposite sex. "Strive to please and glorify God," he writes. "Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same priorities."

2) HOW A PERSON RELATES TO OTHERS.

-Authorities.

Pay attention to how a potential spouse deals with authorities. Do they respect God-given authority? (Romans 13:1-7)

-Parents.

Some things to pay attention to:
> The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife.
> If he can't be loving and gentle with is mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?
> If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?

*And a reminder - cultivate attitudes of respect in your own life.

-The opposite sex.

Learn to distinguish between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. No one wants to marry a flirt!

-Companions.

Harris describes companions as "the people who influence and shape him or her." He goes on to say, "The way something treats his or her friends is not as important as who these friends are."

3) PERSONAL DISCIPLINE.

"The things we do involuntarily reveal our character," says Harris.

*We need to note the difference between sinful habits and simply annoying habits. Everyone has habits that others find annoying, but here we are looking at the sinful habits.*

-How does this person use his or her time? Are they lazy or are they productive in free time? Do they spend countless hours in front of the computer or are they continually looking for ways to serve?

-How does he or she handle money? Are they resonsible with their money or do they foolishly splurge? Will they be able to support you financially?

-Does he or she take care of their his or her body? This doesn't mean judge them about things they can't control such as height, hair color, facial features, and in some cases, weight.

First, how do they dress? Is it modestly? Are they preoccupied with being up-to-date with the latest styles?

Do they have disciplined, healthy eating and exercise habits? Are they maintinaing the health and condition of their body so that they can more effectively serve God?



The next thing is attitude. Harris gives us 4 attitudes we should look for:

1) AN ATTITUDE OF WILLING OBEDIENCE TO GOD.

Is their attitude like David's when he said, "I will hurry, without lingering, to obey your commands"(Psalm 119:60)?

Make sure they are consistently looking for ways to submit more of his or her life to God. Does he or she work to overcome bad habits? Etc...

*And again, it's important we develop these godly habits in our own lives, as well.*

2) AN ATTITUDE OF HUMILITY.

"An attitude of humility," says Harris, "considers others needs first."

Philippians 2:3 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

Watch the small things. Watch how he reacts to teammates on the basketball court. Watch how she reacts when she loses a game. Etc...

An atttitude of humility is quick to confess sin, put others first, and seek forgiveness.

3) AN ATTITUDE OF INDUSTRIOUSNESS.

Harris describes an attitude of industriousness as "willingness to work hard at whatever task presents itself."

William Bennett writes, "Work... is not what we do for a living but what we do with our living... The opposite of work not leisure or play or having fun, but idleness - not investing ourselves in anything."

4) AN ATTITUDE OF CONTENTMENT AND HOPEFULNESS.

Harris says, "An attitude of contentment and hopefulness is one that recognizes God's sovereignty in every situation. It is faith-birthed optimism that looks to God - an attitude more aware of and grateful for the evidence of God's grace than of the problems needing correction."

Does this person have complaint or praise on his or her lips?

Does he or she constantly nitpick at the faults of others instead of consistently encouraging?

Do they view their circumstances with a spirit of hopelessness or a confidence in God's faithfulness?





A reminder: Marriage requires faith in God's provision and a willingness to forgive imperfections.