Just Friends in a Just-Do-It World (10)

Previous blogs to read first: Welcome, Too Much, Too Soon (1), Too Much Icing, Too Little Cake (2), DEFECT! (3), A Whole New World [er, Attitude] (4), and Looking Up "Love" In God's Dictionary (5), The Right Thing At The Wrong Time Is The Wrong Thing (6), Purity: A Direction, Not A Line (7), Put It Behind You (8), A Clean Slate (9) [See blog archive.]


You meet someone of the opposite sex. He or she really catches your eye.
Uh-oh.
Then you get to know this person, and you find out he or she has a great personality as well.
Double uh-oh.
To top it all off, this person sends you that "I'd like to get to know you better" vibe.
Major uh-oh.

If you've put romance on hold until you're ready for marraige, what do you do in a situation like this? The simple answer is to be just friends. Easy, right? Not quite.

"Being 'just friends' is just plain confusing," says Joshua Harris. Ha. No kidding.

In the beginning of this chapter, Harris presents a couple personal experiences that help with understanding how "just friends" can turn into "just a crazy, confusing rollercoaster." I'm sure you've been there, so I'm just going to skip to the meat of this chapter. As always, I encourage you to read the book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, for yourself.

As brothers and sisters in Christ, we were born into this relationship. Elisabeth Elliot says, "The relationship between Christian brothers and sisters is not something we create. It's already established. We are members of one another. We are related." Christian friendship has God's glory as it's goal! These friendships are characterized by biblical fellowship, affection, and genuine care.


BIBLICAL FELLOWSHIP

We shouldn't be satisfied with superficial friendships that reflects meaningless TV sitcom conversations. Our passion shouldn't be to appear to be witty, but to grow in godliness. It should be all about discussing and sharing what God is teaching us and doing in us. So, Christian friends share their lives with each other.


AFFECTION

Romans 12:10 says, "Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."

"It's important to be consistent. Don't show kindness only to those people you have a romantic interest in. Instead show kindness to all your brothers and sisters. This isn't flirting for the purpose of stirring romantic interest in someone; it's showing Christlike brotherly love," says Josh.


GENUINE CARE

Have a genuine desire for the other person's spiritual growth. Make it a priority to encourage them, and also gently rebuke when you see them in a pattern of sin. You'd want them to do that for you, wouldn't you? Let this lifestyle be driven by a genuine care for that person's spiritual, physical, and emotional well-being.


SIDE-BY-SIDE

Look for ways to serve each other.

"They [brother's and sister's in Christ] stand against wickedness together, they seek God together, they honor one another, and grow in grace side by side," says Harris.



Josh Harris presents 4 important steps involved in maintaining healthy friendships with the opposite sex:


1. Understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.

C.S. Lewis once wrote, "We picture lovers face to face, but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead."

The important part to make the friendship work is to have a common goal or interest outside of each other. This could be an athletic pursuit, hobby, faith, or music... something outside of each other. As soon as the people involved focus on the relationship, it has moved beyond friendship. This isn't to say that we shouldn't try to grow the friendship, but that shouldn't be our primary focus. In a Christian friendship, ultimately the desire outside ourselves in every relationship should be to honor God. Find practical ways that you and your friend of the opposite sex can do that.


2. Be inclusive, not exclusive.

Obviously, this means involving other people, doing things in groups. But don't just have other people tag along so you officially have a "group." Josh describes that as "inclusion for the sake of appearances."

"Instead," he says, "inclusion must stem from a sincere desire to involve as many people as possible."

If you find yourself not wanting to involve others, you need to ask yourself if friendship is the real motive of the relationship. If it's not, some changes need to take place.


3. Make a priority of same-sex friendships.

One woman once told Josh Haris why she thought some females find friendships with males easier: "When your friends are guys, they give you attention that girls don't offer. And becaue girls know how other girls think - how we can play games - it's sometimes easier to be friends with guys. You can get away with not being as real." Honestly, it's true sometimes. Sure, not all the time, but sometimes.

If we avoid or neglect same-sex friendships we're being lazy or selfish by avoiding these relationships that could cause us to grow in character.

If you don't include same-sex friends, it's not a wise decision for the future. When you get married, it won't be appropriate (or appreciated by your spouse) to have lots of close friends of the opposite sex. Same-sex friendships are an important source of encouragement, counsel, perspective, and accountability.


4. Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained.

"A friendship based on this self-serving, pleasure-seeking mindset can easily slip into a similarly self-serving romantic relationship that meets the needs of the moment," says Harris.

Our friendships should shift from a focus on ourselves, on how we can be entertained, to a focus on who we can serve. In this servant-hearted mindset we'll get to know our friends in a much deeper way than if we were sitting side by side in a movie theater.

But, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we can't ever seek entertainment, but we should seek to serve first. "Produce before you consume; serve before you seek entertainment," says Josh.



Romans 12:10-11

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord."

Being just friends can sound just complicated and just plain confusing, but if you follow Romans 12:10-11 it can be just plain awesome.