DEFECT! (3)

{before you read this, you may want to check out the 3 blogs that precede it: Welcome!, Too much, too soon (1), and Too much icing, too little cake (2)}

So, why kiss dating goodbye? Good question, really. Simple answer? Yes and no. Let me explain (via Joshua Harris).

Recap: "Dating in and of itself isn't the cause of the problems we see in relationships. Sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships - it's our own wrong attitudes and values that make for defective dating."

Josh used this example: A bar sells alcohol, but doesn't force anyone to drink. A bar isn't the cause of drunkeness, but it does "encourage" it. Just the same, "the system of dating can encourage the sinful desires of our hearts. No dating doesn't make us sin. And no, getting rid of it wouldn't solve all our problems in relationships. But it would be foolish to pretend that dating itself isn't at least part of the problem."

And as even the Christian world might have us think, self control in and of itself isn't the answer to all of our issues. Is the only mistake in a relationship giving into temptation? I would beg to differ. There's more to it than just outward self-control. Let me explain.

Josh says, "If we continue to date according to the system as it exists today, we'll more than likely swerve into trouble. Good intentions aren't enough."

He [Joshua Harris] presents 7 habits of highly defective dating [the following are all direct quotes from I Kissed Dating Goodbye]:

1. Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. One-on-one dating has the tendency to move a guy and a girl beyond friendship and toward romance too quickly. C.S. Lewis describes friendship as two people walking side by side toward a common goal, [not standing face to face, the goal being each other.] Intimacy without friendship is superficial.

2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love. The early introduction of physical affection adds confusion. Just because lips have met doesn't mean hearts have joined. A physical relationship doesn't equal love! Sadly, many couples guage the seriousness of their relationship by the level of their physical involvement. Focusing on the physical is plainly sinful. God demands sexual purity. He does it for our own good! Physical involvement can distort two people's perspective of each other and lead to unwise choices. He doesn't want us to live with guilt and regret. Physical involvement can make people feel close, but they will probably discover all they have in common is lust.

3. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. It's [just plain] not wise to isolate yourself from others. You put yourself in a precarious position if you isolate yourself from the people who love and support you because you dive wholeheartedly into a romantic relationship not grounded in commitment. If you don't invest time or effort to maintain friendships with others while in a dating relationship, you will find your ties to other friends severed.

4. Dating can distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. Being distracted by love is not such a bad thing - unless God wants you doing something else. Instead of serving in their local church and equipping themselves with the character, education, and experience necessary to succeed in life, many allow themselves to be consumed by the present needs that dating emphasizes. Maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time and energy. The energy many exert steals from other pursuits.

...hang in there, only 3 more to go...

5. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness. God gives us singleness - a season in our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning, and service - and we view it as a chance to get bogged down in finding and keeping boyfriends and girlfriends. We might be guilty of poor stewardship of our singleness when we allow a desire for something God obviously doesn't have for us yet [i.e. marriage] to rob our ability to enjoy and appreciate what He has given us. Dating causes people to focus on what they don't have.

6. Dating can create an artifical environment for evaluating another person's character. Dating creates an artifical environment that doesn't require a person to accurately portray his or her positive and negative characteristics. We need to see each other in the real-life settings of family and friends. We need to watch each other serving and working.

...and last but not least...

7. Dating often becomes an end in itself. Instead of acting as a bridge between friendship and marriage, dating becomes the destination - not ending but not moving on either [a limbo]. Sadly, many people find little motivation for commiting themselves to marriage.

Old Habits Die Hard

All these defects can not merely be solved by "dating right." Just because its a Christian relationship, doesn't mean it won't have faults or temptations or flaws. Even Christians that can avoid the major pitfalls of premarital sex and traumatic breakups often spend much of their energy wrestling with temptation.

So, hopefully now you see what kind of dating needs to put it's head between it's legs and kiss it's butt goodbye!

It's time for a new attitude...